geek boi - uncensored

still alive

2006-07-04T16:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, so when I said "talk to you all soon", I really meant "talk to you all on July 4th". Who could have known?

I've spent the past week or so working 12-hour shifts and slowly getting accustomed to my new place. I'm renting a room out of another man's mobile home a few minutes from work. It's a very nice home in a nice neighborhood, and I'm happy to be there.

It's a good feeling -- buying my own cleaning supplies, cleaning my own bathroom, budgeting my own expenses and so on. It makes me feel like one of those big ol' grownups. I'm doing pretty well so far and enjoying my newfound freedom (and distance from my often crazy family).

Right now I'm back in the Valley for 4th of July... I head back to the Bay Area tommorrow to put in a few more extra-long days of work.

More later...

updates 'n things

2006-06-22T05:48:00.000-07:00

Firstly, mucho apologies for not posting in a while. It's been a busy weekend, as most of you can imagine.

The Situation: Long story short, Mom eventually got sober and found her Xanax in the hotel dresser. She was about to kill somebody over pills that she had misplaced. A bunch of other stuff has happened over the weekend, but I'm not going to go into exhaustive detail as I've pretty much already done that with my close circle of friends.

Speaking of which, major props to all my friends (or are you family?) who have helped me through this ordeal. It's been rough, but I've had a lot of help and I'm eternally grateful for it. Blessings to you all!

Now it looks like I'm moving out and getting my own place in the Bay Area. This is awsome, but it also means that blogging will be light for a while. I have to jet off to work in just a few hours, and then work out the final details on my new room....

Talk to you all soon!

i am my mother's keeper

2006-06-14T23:41:00.000-07:00

Mom and dad are at a Hotel on the coast for Mom's birthday.

So I call them at about 10pm to see how they're doing.

======

Me: Hey dad how are things going?

Dad: Not good.

[sounds of my mother crying in the background]

Me: Whats wrong?

Dad: Your mom thinks somebody stole her Xanax.

Me: Can you put mom on the phone?

[sounds of my mother wailing in the background]

Dad: She can't talk right now.

Me: Please, dad, let me talk to mom!

[more crying in the background]

Dad: Okay.

Me: Mom, are you there?

Mom [crying and sounding extremely drunk]: I gonna kill somebody.

Me: Mom, please don't kill anybody!

Mom [crying hysterically and violently drunk]: I gonna kill the fuckers who stole my pills those fuckers gonna die. I don't care if I go to jail. I don't care about nothing anymore I'm just gonna find somebody and kill 'em.

Me: So you don't know who took your pills?

Mom [still crying and still drunk]: Naw, but I gonna kill the first person I see out in the hallway. Nobody steals my pills! I'm just gonna find someone and just beat the shit out of them and kill 'em cuz nobody steals my shit!

Me: Mom, listen....

[20 minutes of me trying to convince my mom not to kill anybody]

Me: ... you have four children who love you very much. A and J look up to you and don't want you to be in jail. Please, mom, think of your kids. Don't hurt them by doing something stupid.

Mom [still extremely drunk]: I know but sometimes you just gotta kick some ass you know sometimes you just gotta go to jail its the best thing to do you know?

Me: Mom, listen, just lay down and sober up and everything will be okay. Please don't hurt anybody.

Mom [still raving drunk]: Okay heres your father.

Dad: She'll be all right in the morning. Gotta go now. Bye.

[he hangs up]

After some phone consultation with my friend Chris (and I'm still sorry I woke you up at that ungodly hour, Chris), he suggested I call the local police department. So I did.

I just got off the phone with the Police and they said that mom had sobered up a bit since I had called them, which is good. According to the police, mom had been spending her day at the pool and had "a few drinks". Afterwards, she went back up to her room to take some pills but they were gone.

Later, I discovered that my dad has been literally holding mom down the whole night. Holding her down on the bed trying to keep her from hurting herself or someone else. This is bad, because my dad is very frail with a delicate heart condition, advanced diabetes and kidney failure. I'm worried that all this stress might harm him.

Anyway, mom did end up hurting herself. She punched the hotel room wall in a fit of rage and broke her hand. It's my understanding that she's at the ER right now getting sewn up.

I also have discovered that my mom has a stash of pills in our house for just such an emergency. Apparently, mom called my sister and asked her to bring a new bottle of Xanax to the hotel room tomorrow -- it turns out that this "fresh bottle" of Xanax was actually my grandma's prescription -- but grandma died nearly a year ago.

After doing a little quick research online, I discovered that adults aren't supposed to take Xanax for more than eight months at a time due to it's addictive nature, but Mom has been taking repeated daily doses for years and has been hoarding my deceased grandma's pills for at least a year.

Obviously mom has a problem. I'm just wondering why our doctor has allowed this to go on?

During the conversation with my sister, my mom also said that she only had "two beers" during the day, and later changed her mind and had "three beers". Well, thats bullshit but she'll never tell the truth. My suspicion is that she had at least five or six drinks, or maybe she did have "three beers" plus a Xanax chaser. It wouldn't surprise me if she polished off the Xanax with some alcohol, threw the bottle away, forgot she threw it away and then thought somebody "stole it".

I was really scared for my mother's life tonight. I really did think she was going to hurt somebody, or maybe hurt herself worse than she already did. Or hurt my dad, even. Or get shot by the Police while in a fist-fight with some random person. I thought I was going to lose my mother tonight.

My dad didn't call the Police. He said it wasn't "needed". I had to call them instead and I had to tell the police not to tell my parents that I made the call, otherwise I would get in trouble. And believe me, I would.

I was supposed to go to work tommorrow, but instead I'm driving to the coast to take care of my parents, especially my mom. It's her birthday and she's going to need some help. She's also going to need someone to keep her out of alcohol and out of trouble. Dad will need help to, as he's very sick and this has probably drained him a lot.

Personally, I'm sick and fucking tired of being the only grownup in this house. This is the worst that I've ever seen mom -- and I've seen her drunk/high/stoned before. This was the absolute worst. And I have to pick up the pieces. I have to take care of my siblings, take care of my dad, take care of my drunk drug-addled mom, take care of the dogs, the house, the cars, the groceries....

I know that I have to be strong for everybody, but deep down I'm still just a little boy on the inside. I'm still the scared little gay boy who likes to read books and play with Legos but now I have to be the grownup for my Mom and Dad and I can't take this shit anymore.

I'm not going to be a martyr for this family. I'm not going to sacrifice my life to save this woman and her crumbling family. Yet, yet, I feel as if I'm the only one who can save her. I feel that she can't make it without me -- that she needs me to get better.

But I don't want to be her Parent. I want to be a regular 23 year-old so badly.

I need a hug.

work

2006-06-11T05:19:00.000-07:00

Many apologies for the lack of posting and emailing lately, as my work schedule has been quite insane. I've been doing a 100-mile commute to work about three or four days a week, which equals 200 miles a day or roughly six to eight hundred miles a week of drive-time. Without a radio, I might add.

That can get pretty tiresome. And expensive with gas prices the way they are.

On the upside, however, I'm making more money than I ever have in my life. So thats good.

My job at work, however, is almost as tiresome as the commute. Right now I'm using a drill press to widen the holes in tiny little electronic switches, like this:

What you see above is pretty much what I do all day -- although my ass doesn't look nearly as good in stone-washed jeans.

Bending over the drill like that for hours at a time is killer on my back and neck, and I definitely feel it at the end of the day, and often times before the end of the day. Not only that, but I think I'm coming down with some kind of bug that my uncle may have given me -- I think this is going to be an interesting week. At least I get paid on Tuesday.

In other news, a part of me is seriously wondering if this is something I could get into.

Okay, okay -- I understand it's a bit stereotypical. "Yes I am a gay male massage therapist. No, I'm not an 'escort' and I don't give 'happy endings'.", etc. It does seem like a good way to get to know people -- to interact with people, anyway -- and to make good money in the process. I've been told by others (Jimmy, you heartbreaker!) that my hands are "so soft, almost like velvet" (his words), so maybe I have a natural talent. For massage, I mean.

It's going to be difficult, however, to convince The Family to support that kind of endeavour. You're nobody in my family unless you're an Engineer or a Carpenter or something Manly like that. I've had a difficult enough time convincing them to support my getting a degree in English, for chrissakes, I mean, the frickin Humanities are too gay for them. Massage therapist? They'd laugh me out of the house.

We'll see what happens. In any event, I hope you all had a good weekend!

uhoh

2006-06-08T02:00:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, LP mentioned that one of the side effects of Zoloft is “inability to climax”. Well, guess which side effect has decided to make itself known in my life?

Guess.

I'm not too worried about it at the moment. I'm not currently seeing anyone so sexual dysfunction isn't that big of a deal. Although if it went on long enough I would eventually have to change medications. A man can only go so long without getting the gravy out, if you know what I mean. Also, at some point in the future I will be seeing someone, and I'm going to need to be better by then. I intend to keep taking the medication for at least the next few weeks. If the problem doesn't go away by then I'll ask for another prescription.

I wonder what I'm going to do with my next couple climax-free weeks? Take up knitting? Stamp collecting? Violently explode from the sheer, unrelenting pressure? Something like that, I'm sure.

In other news, I've been thinking about my previous post.

You see, the terrible thing about being found by God is that He refuses to leave you alone. It would be nice if I could say “Okay God, here's the deal: I give you Sunday morning in exchange for good health and prosperity. But I get to keep Friday nights and the right to not forgive my enemies. Agreed?”

It doesn't work that way, does it? A part of me doesn't want to find God and Church again because, frankly, I'm not a nice person. Sure, I'm nice to my friends – the people that I like and find interesting – but beyond that I'm no different than any other Gentile, so to speak. The Christ that I encounter in the Eucharistic celebration is the Christ who demands that I love my enemies. That's scary.

He's a Christ that demands I examine my relationships with the people around me and with the World – to see what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong – and to make changes accordingly. That's scary too. It's not something I want to do.

Holiness is more than a feeling of righteousness or divine ecstasy – it's a radical dying unto one's self, a self-emptying sacrifice that refuses to just take the parts that we want it to take. Holiness is a tidal wave: a watery wedge thats only four feet high but ten miles long – and it conquers everything in it's path, whether you want it or not.

I don't know what to think about all this. There are times when I'd like to go back to being a hard-bitten, skeptical atheist. Who knows? Maybe I can be a hard-bitten, skeptical atheist for Christ? I have a feeling he wouldn't mind.

Holy Fratrimony

2006-06-05T12:39:00.000-07:00

This last Saturday I attended Chris & C's fratrimonial ceremony, commonly called "marriage". It was a beautiful, moving and very Christian experience. The love and affection between these two men and the people present was palpable. In a certain sense, it was a prefiguring of the love and communion shared in the body and blood of the Eucharist. Which, as I understand it, is also a prefiguring itself of the Heavenly Feast at Eschaton.

I honestly felt that something approaching the Eschaton had been achieved that day, as if the presence of Christ was truly there -- that He really was in the bread and wine, and in our hearts as well. I've never felt that feeling in church before.

It gave me hope. Hope that theres more to life than living and dying. Hope that true love is a real thing. Hope that there are communities out there brought together by love. Hope that somehow, in some way, this Christ person really is real.

Blessings to you, Chris & C. Many long years of love, peace and wonderful memories to you both.

equal time (warning: undies pic!)

2006-06-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling better today. It isn't the medication, since that takes at least two weeks to start working, so it must be my attitude.

I feel better knowing that I'm doing something about my anxiety problem, and just the fact that I'm doing something instead of sitting on my hands and worrying about everything makes the day a little more bearable.

In other news, I've been having a conversation with Nate about body image and stuff. It's something thats always interested me and vexed me in different ways. Slowly, over time, I've learned to be attracted to myself (as selfish as it sounds, it really isn't. I swear!), meaning I've learned to see the beauty in my own body and the bodies of other men who look just like me.

Observe:

Ah, I'm jealous. Those piercings! That tattoo! I'm in love!

Well, not really. But I do enjoy the scenery. The funny thing is, even though I basically made peace with my body type, I still can't help but compare myself to others. Look at him again. Notice how he doesn't have much in the way of love handles? I can't help but think that I do have some handles and that would make him "out of my league".

Of course, thats just my Insecurity talking. In all honesty, if he turned out to be smart, funny and kind along with being a sexy cub, I'd take him over Daniel Cudmore (below) in a heartbeat. Who wouldn't want a hot cuddly cub to snuggle up with all the time? Give me that instead of abs any day.

So theres your bear/cub equal time for the week. Enjoy.

better living through chemistry

2006-05-30T23:16:00.000-07:00

So I finally saw the doctor today. It went well. 50mg of Zoloft per day plus an adrenaline-blocker for my blood pressure.

I'm wise enough to know that meds aren't always a cure-all. It's not a magic bullet, but it's something that can help me, I think, so I'm going to do it.

I don't have health insurance (yet) but thankfully the meds were pretty cheap, as far as meds go, anyway.

In other news, I was driving home from work today when I saw at least two different churches holding conferences or Sunday sermons on how to best refute the Da Vinci Code.

Honestly, I don't see what all the hub-ub is about. I haven't read the book (it sounds trite and boring from what I've heard -- it strikes me as an "Airport Novel" if you catch my drift), although I am broadly aware of the plot outline (Jesus married Mary Magdalene, had some kids who are now the British Royal Family. Conspiracy. Catholic Church. Coverup. Etc.).

I'm mystified as to how our Christian Leaders could be so scared by this. And they DO seem scared given all the attention and attempts to "refute" what essentially amounts to a religiously-themed Michael Crichton novel. Jurassic Jesus, if you will.

Either way, they've done nothing but ensure Dan Brown a rather comfortable retirement. Hollywood loves controversy, and the more breathless Christian leaders become in their denunciations of his works, the more books, movies and Da Vinci Code-brand lunchboxes he's going to sell.

You can also expect more "controversial" (read: offensive to various groups) movies in the near future now that the Hollywood executives smell blood in the water. If Controversy = Cash, you can expect quite a bit of it, in fact.

Maybe Jurassic Jesus isn't too far behind after all?

ADDENDUM: I also got my paycheck today, which means hopefully I can find my way into an X-Men 3 showing this week. If I don't see at least five good minutes of Colossus with his shirt off, I'm going to demand my money back.

Canadian actor Daniel Cudmore as Colossus:

bringing people together!

2006-05-28T04:25:00.000-07:00

So I guess that the gulf between Conservative Christianity and Islam can be bridged after all!

"Moscow Mayor Yuri Luzhkov said he had banned the march because he believed homosexuality was not natural and because the event would cause outrage in society - a position supported by many Christian and Muslim groups."

Jesus Christ, man! Were not vampires! Except the queer vampires in Anne Rice novels, of course.

Its so good to know that if anything, people from all walks of life can be brought together in one, single unified goal: ridding the world o' queers.

Truly we are the "Peacemakers" and "Sons of God" that Jesus was talking about! Just imagine if the world could come together in peace and harmony just once for the sole purpose of wiping us off the face of the Earth! What an achievement! They'll even leave little Nobel Peace Prizes on our graves.

This post is dripping with sarcasm, by the way.

i want me some of that therapy

2006-05-26T01:05:00.000-07:00

A still image taken from a CNN report on Richard Cohen and his "ex-gay" therapy:

Via Pam's House Blend

Supposedly, this kind of therapy is meant to bond the subject to a Male Father Figure, thus curing him of homosexuality.

*sigh*

You know, I have some friends who have paid hundreds of dollars to be lovingly caressed for hours at a time by other men. Granted, this is usually done by "male escorts" instead of therapists, but since Richard Cohen [pictured above] isn't a licensed therapist, I guess that makes him an escort of sorts.

I just find it amusing that apparently the "cure" for being gay is to have a loving, supportive and intimate relationship with another man. That "cure" sounds an awful lot like -- gosh -- an actual gay relationship! Minus the sex, of course. We musn't have that!

And thats what this is really all about. Not even sex, per se, since I would argue that Richard and his subject above are having a kind of chaste sex -- being intertwined on the couch like that. In fact, I wouldn't mind getting some of that "cure" once in a while. Sounds like fun!

hilarious

2006-05-25T01:05:00.000-07:00

This pretty much describes me in a nutshell right now:

feeling a bit better

2006-05-24T05:14:00.000-07:00

Well its been about 24 hours since my unhinged flight from sanity, and I'm feeling a bit better. After doing some work, talking to some friends and making an appointment with my doctor, I feel like I'm a little more in-control than I was yesterday.

I'm going to be installment-blogging throughout the day, so everybody stay tuned.

Ready?

5:18AM - I think I'm going to make some potato pancakes for breakfast.

6:06AM - Potato Pancakes: Delicious. Damien, I'd be more than happy to make you guys some Latkes when I come up there. The thing is, though, I bought these Latkes pre-made from Trader Joes, and I'm not quite advanced enough in my culinary skills to make them from scratch, although it shouldn't be a problem. Maybe I can pick some up from the Trader Joe's in Chicago after I get off the plane. Or maybe I can take them frozen in my carry-on baggage. That should be an interesting moment at the x-ray machine...

Tom's side of the family should have some amazing recipes for Latkes, what with it being a Chanukah dish 'n all.

7:14AM - Go Fug Yourself seems pretty funny. As far as I can tell, it's a blog written by an extremely catty woman (mew mew scratch!) who makes fun of celebrities and their terrible fashion sense. Obviously this woman and I have something in common -- it must be our disdain for celebrity, bad fashon and our shared love of

Truly I have discovered the meaning behind the straight woman/gay man dynamic. EDIT: Bigg points out that Go Fug Yourself is run by two fabulous women instead of one. I stand corrected. Thank you, Bigg!

7:36AM - Looking over my last post, I wonder if I'm Emo. Maybe I should wear some heavily rimmed glasses, a black hooded sweatshirt and some girl's jeans. I'm not sure that girls jeans would look good on me though. I'd have to shop in the "big girls" section of the store too. THAT should raise some eyebrows, no?

12:30PM - Well it looks like I've caught up on some extra sleep and now I'm heading over to school. This is going to be my last final for the semester. So far I've passed all my others and gotten A's in the other classes. The neat thing is, even if I got a big, fat ZERO on this final, I would still get a "B" in the class. Cool, huh? In fact, all I need are a total of 80 points on the final to get an "A" in the class proper. 80 points out of 150, that is. So I've pretty much aced my classes for this semester. Hooray for 4.0 GPA's!

After this, I'm done with school until Fall. No more teachers, no more books playing with friends and dirty looks!

dying every day

2006-05-23T03:56:00.000-07:00

It's confession time again.

Today's confession?

I'm mentally ill.

Yeah, this is going to be one of those "downer" posts. Sorry about that.

I have a condition called hypochondria. No matter how physically healthy I am, I always think that I'm dying of some terrible disease. It's gotten much worse lately, even to the point of me questioning my own sanity.

The funny thing is, it's always something. A year ago it was stomach cancer. Six months ago it was MS. A few weeks ago it was HIV. Now it's Leukemia. I can never quite shake the feeling that I have a terrible, deadly disease -- and it's destroying my life. I'm paralyzed. I can't eat or sleep and I can only barely go to school and work. I'm crippled.

I can't do anything but sit and contemplate my own mortality and death. Or imagine my parents watching and waiting at my bedside while I waste away from some terrible malady.

I

CANT

STOP

THINKING

ABOUT

DYING

And I'm perfectly healthy, by all standards -- but not in my head. I've always dealt with this condition, ever since I was a little kid. It's gotten worse now that my knowledge of possible diseases is larger, and so my list of possible symptoms is bigger as well. Sore throat? I must have throat cancer. Sore muscles? Must be MS. A few weeks ago, I found a bruise on my arm. Must be leukemia. Suddenly my life flashes before my eyes: doctor visits, blood transfusions, chemo, hospice and finally.....death.

I

CANT

STOP

THINKING

THIS

WAY

AND

IM

LOOSING

MY

MIND

I know this sounds overly dramatic, and I do have a flair for the dramatic -- but I'm seriously looney strap-me-in-a-straight-jacket insane right now. Everything is just crushing me at once. My dad's declining health, my mom's craziness about me being gay, their plans to move to Texas, Finals, my plans to stay here, trying to MAKE THAT SHIT WORK, my directionless life, everything, everything, everything is just too much. I'm breaking down. My mind is breaking down. What do they call this? A nervous something-or-other?

I'm under so much pressure like a submarine. A big steel submarine at crushing depth and ready to crack into a million pieces. A trillion pieces.

I just need a few minutes to catch my breath. I just need to breathe. I need air before I can breathe. Space. Space first, then breathe. But where do you find space for your mind? Where do you find it's air?

Mom says she wants me to see a doctor right away. She says I need to get back on the meds like I used to be. Life was easier back then. The meds helped, I think. I need to get back on them before I really loose it for good. I'm close. I can feel the edges of insanity in my head, and it's close. I need those meds -- but I need air first.

I have no space, yet I must breathe.

still here

2006-05-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

Its finals week so my schedule is crazy and there isn't nearly enough time for blogging. I'll be back in the saddle soon -- but first I need to write a term paper and study for a couple other things. Everybody stay tuned!

birthday and tom cruise

2006-05-15T23:01:00.000-07:00

The birthday went well. It was a low-key event. No male strippers and jugglers who are juggling flaming chainsaws or jugglers who are juggling male strippers who are themselves simultaneously juggling flaming chainsaws.

No. None of that.

I did sit down to a delicious BBQ dinner with my family and my friend Mike. Afterwards, Mike and I watched 40-year-old virgin and just hung out for a couple of hours. I got the XM Radio I wanted from Mom and Dad, while Sis bought me a kickass Russian/Polish/German cookbook. I was surprised at her originality. Sauerbrauten und Bier for everybody!

I ended up seeing Mission Impossible 3 as well. Firstly, let me just say that I don't discriminate against Tom Cruise just because he is a complete nutcase. The poor man is clearly out of his mind and it's no wonder he's a Scientologist -- his psychiatrist probably wanted him to be committed years ago. That being said, I harbor no ill-will towards people who suffer from terrible bouts of mental instability like Mr. Cruise and I wish him the very best in his long and extremely expensive journey to become an OT:XIV Grand Master Thetan.

So it was with this in mind that I went to the theater with a fellow Disciple of Xenu (my brother-in-law) to see MI:3. About half-way through the movie, though, we both started getting some serious disturbances in our Mental Dianetics Matrix. After consulting our E-Meters, we came to a shocking conclusion: Mission Impossible 3 is actually the very same movie as Mission Impossible 2.

It's not just that the actors are the same, or that the cinematography is similar or the stunts and gadgets are unchanged -- all of those things are true, actually, but you see the clincher here is that the very plot of the movie is almost unchanged from the last episode.

Let's play a game. I'm going to describe a movie and you tell me if it's Mission Impossible 2 or 3.

Ready?

An evil madman is plotting to steal a deadly virus which he will use to make himself incredibly rich. Tom Cruise works for a secret government agency and must stop the madman from doing bad stuff. In the process of stopping the bad guy, Tom Cruise will 1) break into several high security buildings 2) use some gadgets including the instant-mask thingy and 3) rappel into a heavily guarded sky-scraper to steal the deadly virus.

Eventually Tom Cruise kills the bad guys, finds the virus, rescues the girl and saves the day. The End.

Okay. Did I just describe MI:2 or MI:3?

You got it.

Both.

It's almost as if they just changed the names and locations from the last film, added a few extra gunfights, composed a different score and called it a new movie. It's that bad. My brother-in-law and I both agreed that Hollywood has now officially run out of ideas. It's gotten so bad that they're not just remaking old movies anymore -- now they're making the same movies over again and just hoping that nobody notices. Or maybe they're just hoping that people won't mind shelling out nine bucks to see some finely choreographed gunfights.

Either way, I'm not impressed. Avoid MI:3 like the plague. I wouldn't pay $5 to see it.

Here's hoping that X-Men 3 will be better....

23

2006-05-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

Twenty-three years ago today, a rather large baby was delivered via c-section at a small community hospital in the Bay Area. Twenty-three years later, he would be an adult trying to make it in the big crazy world that he found himself in.

He had a mimosa to celebrate this morning.

Here's to another year and many, many more. Thank you all so much for being with me over the last year, for helping me along and making me just a little bit wiser in the process. Life is nothing without friends -- and you're all my friends.

:)

he's comin' in through the back door, amigos!

2006-05-10T00:06:00.000-07:00

Everybody point your browsers to the Superdickery comic book website. They have many little jems, including the barely disguised sexual innuendo from golden-age comics. As a big fan of American comics, I absoutely adore the way that artists in the 50's and 60's could get away with such obviously raunchy stuff.

Observe:

That's "Captian Marvel Jr." (Captian Marvel? I'll say!). Just look at his eyes. You just know that the artists wasn't thinking about Eisenhower when he drew that.

Batman embraces his inner Fabulousness:

And theres no way you can call that "Red", btw. It's just not happening. "Rainbow Batman" indeed.

Oh, judging from the way he's holding Robin, I'd say his heart is really into it:

Spiderman gets a little kinky:

And what exactly are Hulk's wildest dreams?:

Superman gets a little kinky as well:

Nothing makes me want to say "Thats it, I'm done" like having this happen:

Ah, another happy morning at Wayne manor. After they fix the Batmobile its off to the mall to shop at Abercrombie and check out all the hot boys!

Robin goes the extra mile to make "The Winning Team!"

Don't worry, Archie, I'll beat them off just for you! Promise!

The scariest thing about this is the look on Batman's face. I mean, just look at that grin. He's got his hand to his chin and he's thinking "Will anybody see? Will word get around? Nawwww...."

Bang bang goes the cannons:

And finally, the comic panel that gave us the title for this post:

This is the payoff! I can feel it!

as promised

2006-05-09T15:43:00.000-07:00

Check out those eyelashes!

How can I be a geek without a pair of glasses?

I think that they may be a little ill-fitting, so I'll take them back sometime this week for a refit.

Or maybe my head is just off-kilter. I dunno.

Either way, I'm so gay that I can't even see straight!

four-eyes

2006-05-08T15:48:00.000-07:00

So I got my very first pair of glasses today. They look pretty cool! Pictures will be forthcoming...

friends

2006-05-08T11:48:00.000-07:00

What would life be like without friends to help us when were down? Or even when were up again? Over the past few days, I've learned that you can choose your family when you come out, and others can (and do!) choose you as well. It's a wonderful feeling -- and I know that I'm going to pay it forward again one day.

The weekend wen't well overall. I made enough money to pay an outstanding bill, did a little apartment hunting (nothing came of it -- long story) and generally enjoyed the thrill of making an adequate amount of money!

I spent pretty much the whole weekend shredding papers and doing janitorial work. I don't mind -- I make the same amount of money no matter what I'm doing -- but hopefully my duties will be diversified in the coming months. I think I made a good impression on my uncle, but only time will tell for sure. He's pretty exasperated by some of his workers who don't work as hard or as seriously as he would like. I want to make him proud, so there will be lots of hard work for me in the future....

Now the only real stress in my life is performing well at work and the desperate search to find a place to live in the Bay. I'm sure something will eventually come along, but you know me, I get all hysterical and worried if things aren't going 100% all the time. Cie la vie.

But enough about me. Let's talk about right-wing loonies!

So Exodous International is putting on a conference (I link to Pam via Pandagon because I don't want to sully my blog with a direct link to Exodus). But with workshop titles like "Escaping the Gaytrix", how could you not want to attend?

My favorite?

What’s Wrong With Masturbation?
We’ve all wondered about Masturbation. Is it healthy self-expression or a bondage? What does the Bible say and not say about it? In this workshop we will explore these questions and look at ways to deal with this challenging issue.

[emphasis mine]

Oh, it's only bondage if you're into that kind of thing. Whips and chains really aren't my cup of tea (although I wouldn't rule out a teensy leather collar. Just for looks, of course.) but whatever you and Mr. Right need to have fun is fine with me.

Ultimately, conferences like these are going to hurt people more than help. Once young people (and older people, too!) find out that you can play with yourself without selling your soul to the Devil, they're going to wonder what all the hoopla was about. And if the Church is wrong about spanking your monkey, what else are they wrong about?

Probably a lot, I imagine.

cinco de mayo!

2006-05-05T00:34:00.000-07:00

It's the Fifth of May and I start my new job today! Everybody wish me luck!

the start of something new?

2006-05-04T17:59:00.000-07:00

Last night I learned that one of my photos from this semester had been entered in the Student Art Exhibit at school. This is amazingly cool, especially since it's possible that somebody could actually buy the photo. I set it's price at $100, which is actually not too expensive for an original print from a famed artiste' such as myself (yeah, right).

The photo is a low-light panorama of my neighborhood taken in the middle of the night with the clouds illuminated by a full moon. It's dark, edgy and entitled "Suburban Secrets" and I'll see if I can post it here sometime.

Maybe I can do something with this photography thing, eh?

the numbers game

2006-05-02T23:53:00.000-07:00

So here's how the numbers break down.

$10 an hour for 40 hours a week is $1600 at the end of the month. After taxes, it's going to be closer to $1400. My task from now until school is out is to find a way to live in the Bay Area on roughly $1400 a month.

This means -- as Jeremy pointed out below -- a budget. Luckily I have a way with breaking down numbers and seeing the big picture as well as the smaller picture.

Scenario 1: I get a studio with rent at $800/month.

1) So rent is $800, that leaves me with $600.
2) Car insurance is about $100 a month, so now I'm down to $500
3) Utilities is going to run a little under $100 a month probably, so now I'm down to $400
4) My cell phone (for the time being, anyway) is almost $60 a month, so I'm down to $340
5) Gas is going to be expensive -- even in my 95' Plymouth Neon. Let's say $80 a month (and thats conservative).
6) I'm now have $260 a month remaining -- which is going to have to pay for everything else. That "everything else" includes food. Let's say that I set aside $200 for food.
7) $200 a month for food works out to (assuming a 30-day month) about $7 a day for food expenses. If you want to break that down further, that's about $2 I can budget for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner every day. I suppose I could splurge and spend $3 apiece on Lunch and Dinner if I decide to skip Breakfast. You can't get meals for $2 apiece, even if you go shopping at Big-Box-Food-4-Cheap-Megastore. Unless I'm planning on eating ramen noodles for all three meals every day, which I'm not.

Scenario 2: I rent a room for about $500 a month.
1) Rent is $500 so that leaves me with $900 to work with. So far, so good.
2) Car insurance: $100. Now I have $800
3) Utilities are often included in room rents. So lets assume this is the case and skip it.
4) Cellphone is $60, so I have $740 now.
5) $80 for gas. $660 now.
6) I now have $660 a month for everything else, including food.
7) Let's say I spend a healthy $400 a month on food. It's still slim, but do-able. I'll be making lots of cheap spaghetti, no-frills tacos, salad, cereal and such, but it's better than ramen all day long.
8) And I'll still have $260 a month left over to do whatever I want with. Go see a movie, go out to lunch with friends, extra gas money for trips to SF, that XM Radio I've always wanted, save for a rainy day. So on and so forth.

As you can tell, I like Scenario #2 alot better.

good and not good

2006-05-02T23:52:00.000-07:00

I get the feeling that my search for a job/new apartment has become the central focus of this blog, and I hope to change that soon, but for now I'm swamped with this Issue. Bear with me.

Good news: I have a job with at my uncle's factory and I supposedly start this weekend.

Bad news: I won't be getting as much money as I want.

He'll be paying me about $4 an hour less than I really need to live all by myself. This means I'm going to need a roommate or rent a room out of someone's house for the time being. I'd rather not, but what other choice do I have? It won't be that bad, I guess. I'll just have to be extra mindful of house manners and cleaning up after myself.

I will have independence, though. Enough money to pay my bills. Enough to go shopping for clothes once in a while. Enough to buy my own food. Enough to get a gym membership that I'll never use. That sort of thing. I'll be a real live working adult.

I'll have money for a social life -- although between working nine hours a day and going to class at night, I won't have much time to actually do anything. Cie la vie. But its a start, anyway.

So whats next for me? Work, work, work. I've been working constantly at some kind of a job since I was 15, but this will be the first time I've ever done the 9-to-5 thing. Or, in my case, probably a 9-to-6 thing. Whatever you believe in, pray for me that I'll be able to adjust to this brand new life and that I won't get burnt out too quickly. Pray also that I'll find some way to decompress after work, so I won't end up as a living, twitching ball of stressful energy.

Now I need to work on that damn paper....

hold the phone

2006-04-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

I'm still alive, just busy and also in kind of a writing-funk. I promise I'll have something up here sooner or later. There's just so little to do and so much time....

paying it forward

2006-04-26T11:02:00.000-07:00

So I got an extension for my paper. Thats good! See how much being friends with the professor pays off?

I had an interesting time at photography class last night. One of my fellow students is a wonderful gay young woman who we'll call "T". Today is T's 18th birthday, and I had no idea until last night. She's technically still in high school, but doing some college credits at our school just to stay ahead of the game. She also babysits for cash on the side.

Last night we got to talking after she dropped the birthday bombshell. I honestly had no idea that she was so young! She told me that she was unhappy with the direction that her life was taking, that she wasn't acheving enough. I told her that getting college credits while still in high school and keeping a job on the side put her several light-years ahead of me when I was 18. Hell, I'm gonna be 23 soon and still struggling with the "job and school" thing.

She said that eventually she wanted to get a job in the Bay (specifically SF) and move there, too. I didn't blame her, since apparently growing up gay in the Central Valley is just as hard for females as it is for males. I said, "T, I'm moving to the Bay Area too. Listen, if you ever need a place to stay while you get on your feet, or a meal to eat, or a place to take a shower -- if you ever need any kind of help at all without worrying about paying anything back or being taken advantage of -- then you just call me and it's done. Also, stay away from drugs and excessive alcohol."

She agreed that she would look me up if she needed help in the future. We had *BIG HUGS* many wishes of a happy 18th birthday and then I was on my way home for dinner. It felt good to finally be in a position to give something back. Lord knows I've taken enough....

things and stuff

2006-04-23T23:19:00.000-07:00

Firstly, an apology for being away so long. I've been busy with school and other things.

Speaking of school, I still need to get started on that book review. You know, the one due on Tuesday? Yeah, that one. Sometimes I wonder if I should change my name to Procrastinating_Boi.
Secondly, another apology for going a little off the deep end in my last post. Sometimes you just need to have a little mental vomit to get the bad things out. I know I have quite a few of those around here, but I swear I'm sane! Honest!

Now about the Job.

So uncle said I could have a job, but didn't say how much he'd pay me. I'm going to need to make at least $14 or so per hour (full time) to live on my own in the Bay Area, slightly less if I decided to find some room-mates. $14 an hour sounds like a lot -- and it is -- but he's paying my 17-year-old nephew $9 an hour to sit around and do nothing, so I think my chances are good. I need to talk with him this week about getting a time-card, The Salary Issue and what exactly I'm going to do. If I can get an acceptable salary worked out, I'm set. Happy Street. Easyville. You get the idea.

To answer LP's question, I'd much rather live by myself (privacy = peace, quiet and naked-time!) but I'm willing to bite the bullet and live with roomies if it means not moving to Texas.

I can't think of anything else to write about, so I'll give you the This-Is-Why-I-Like-Living-In-California news item of the day:

South Carolina ready to ban sex toys. [Via Pam Spaulding]

The funny thing about this is that the #1 users of sex toys, vibrators or what-have-you are overwhelmingly married straight couples. And not just young, liberal couples who imbibe some newfangled drink called Tang, listen to rebellious devil-music like the Bee-gees and attend some apostate coven like the Methodist Church. You'd be surprised how much Ma and Pa Conservative make use of marital aids to keep things humming along in the bedroom. I wonder if laws like this are going to chafe against the god-fearing, church-going, sunday-school-teaching, vibrator-wielding people of South Carolina. Lets hope so.

six random things

2006-04-21T03:06:00.000-07:00

I got tagged by Jeremy for this little meme. We all have random stuff, don't we?

1. I'm distantly (very distantly) related to former VP Al Gore.

2. I once sprayed Law Enforcement-grade Mace into my eyes to see if it "worked".

3. It did.

4. When I was a wee child, I thought the Presidential race between Reagan and Dukakis was an actual foot-race to determine who would become President. I still can't shake the notion that this would be a fine improvement over the Electoral College.

Okay...creepy time....

5. When I was a wee lad I had something of a Nazi fetish. It's difficult to explain, but those shiny boots, bright red flags, sharp looking Khakis and having Absolute Power over your enemies just seem so fabulous when you're a bullied, downtrodden and sexually confused 13-year old.

Okay, really, really creepy time!

6. When I was little (say 11 - 12ish) I would never take a shit at home. Why? We had poor water pressure, I guess, so my movements always plugged up the toilet. Not so bad, right?

Well, whenever I plugged up the toilet, I would get a beating from Dad. He would scream and yell and beat the shit out of me (literally) and call me names just because I stopped up the toilet. Dad had issues, obviously. But he gave me such a bad time that I always waited until I was at school (better plumbing there) before I took a dump.

Well, the shit really hit the fan when I went on summer vacation.

I figured that maybe I could hold it on for the whole summer. I lasted about 4 weeks before I almost had to be hospitalized with severe intestinal damage. I would have rather been hospitalized than sit through another abuse session with my dad, however. Over the next couple years Dad would mellow out a bit and eventually I learned to unplug the toilet myself, but not without many more years of sweating, crying and having enormous feelings of worthlessnes whenever I took a shit.

I still have weird feelings when I go to the bathroom sometimes. Thanks, Dad.

I tag anybody on my blogroll who wants to do it.

hmmmm....

2006-04-21T03:03:00.000-07:00

Somebody stumbled across my blog yesterday searching for

"geek virtual warped sexuality"

Couldn't have described myself better, actually.

alphabet soup

2006-04-20T02:29:00.000-07:00

Hat tip to Chris.

Accent: California with a teensy lisp once in a while.

Booze: Rum & Coke or Malibu & Coke. Beers are nice too.

Chore I Hate: Cleaning my room. Laundry.

Dog or Cat: We have three dogs and maybe seven cats (not kidding) at our house right now. Pray for us.

Essential Electronics: mommy and daddy's broadband. Where would I be without it?

Favorite Cologne(s): BLV by Bulgari. Happy for Men by Clinique is pretty good too.

Gold or Silver: silver

Hometown: South Bay, CA

Insomnia: Well, I'm up right now, aren't I?

Job Title: Peon/Serf

Kids: Not gonna happen.

Living arrangements: Living with the folks right now in our converted Den (which is actually bigger than Chris' house by itself at 450 sq. ft.) I'll probably be getting a studio back in the Bay pretty soon though. Then it'll be back to "cozy living"...

Most admirable trait: kindness

Least admirable trait (added): arrogance

Number of sexual partners: More than one, but less than five -- all of them male. Unless you count "Lefty" and "Righty". We're in a long-term love triangle.

Overnight hospital stays: Nope

Phobias: heights, spiders and disease

Quote: "Violence can only be concealed by a lie, and the lie can only be maintained by violence. Any man who has once proclaimed violence as his method is inevitably forced to take the lie as his principle." -Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Religion: Questioning

Siblings: One younger brother and two younger sisters, plus a brother-in-law.

Time I wake up: anywhere from noon to 2pm usually.

Unusual talent or skill: Wouldn't you like to know!

Vegetable I refuse to eat: Vegetables and I do not get along well. I need to change that, though.

Worst habit: WORRYING, being a "spaz" as my mom calls me.

X-rays: teeth and Lefty.

Yummy foods I make: I make some righteous Mac&Cheese with bratwurst.

Zodiac sign: Taurus - da bull. Everything they say about us is true.

good!

2006-04-20T02:26:00.000-07:00

The interview wen't well. (I think). Uncle says that I can have a job whenever I want.

Now the real issue is getting the kind of pay that I need (it's not cheap to live in the Bay) and a place to stay while I save up money to get my own apartment.

Decisions, decisions....

Birth of a Queer Nation

2006-04-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

Maybe they'll let me be The Minister of Game & Wildlife (Bear/Cub Division).

That would be awsome.

last chance?

2006-04-18T03:26:00.000-07:00

I'm stressed the fuck out because my last chance to stay in California may be coming up soon.

The job search has been a flop. I got one failed interview and no takers anywhere else. I'm going to keep trying but it doesn't look good. Why do I always have a hard time landing a job?

This Wednesday I'm heading over to the Bay Area to ask my uncle for a job. He owns The Family Business -- a small machine fabrication/manufacturing company -- and has always been generous in the past. I'm hoping that he'll be able to hire me for a full time position at about $14 an hour -- which is the kind of money I'll be needing to make if I wish to make it on my own in the Bay. It sounds like such a tall order, especially considering that my uncle is, well, difficult to pin down.

He has an interesting way of answering a question by saying neither "yes" or "no", but by coming back with a non-sequitur or unacceptable option.

"Hey Uncle, can I have some Ice Cream?"

"GB, have you ever considered owning a dairy farm? Would you like to own a dairy some day?"

"Um, I dunno...I was just thinking about Ice-"

"Ice Cream comes from Dairies, you know. Well, milk does, but first it's pasturized in a big metal vat. Here, let me show you some slides..."

You get the idea.

My biggest fear is being unable to pin him down on Wednesday with an answer. I need an answer. I need to know if I'm going to Texas or not. I need...I need....I need.

I'm a needy person, I guess. Hopefully I'll be less needy once I get this job.

I know that it's not wise to pin my hopes and dreams on a single thing or a single outcome (I went through this same thing when I got declined for my last job), but I want to stay here in CA so badly, I'll do just about anything short of drugs to stay. Wish me luck everybody.

easter

2006-04-17T00:51:00.000-07:00

Easter went well. We celebrated the resurrection of the Jewish Messiah by roasting a cured Ham and using poly-blend napkins. Ah, Life in these United States....

We have an interesting tradition of holiday meals in our family. As you may or may not know, a lot of cable networks have special programming around the holiday seasons, with varying degrees of relevance. SpikeTV and TBS, for example, usually have a James Bond marathon around both Christmas and Thanksgiving. You know that you've stumbled into Thanksgiving dinner at our house when see people silently eating turkey on the couch while watching Goldfinger.

This Easter, it was Dirty Harry. Mom and dad had a huge fight earlier in the day -- about what I don't know -- but things had toned down by the time dinner was ready. This is good, but I still can't wait until I move out for precicely this reason. Also, I'll finally be able to start my own holiday traditions. As much as I like Goldfinger and Dirty Harry, something tells me that they shouldn't be the centerpeice of our holidays.

School is off this week, so I've got some time to catch up on (ironically!) school projects. I have some low-light photography projects to work on, and they're proving challenging, as getting night-time exposures right without a flash is pretty darn hard. Last night I took about 8 frames with 1 and 2 second(!) exposures. This is pretty far removed from my usual daytime .05 second exposures. I don't have a tripod, so I've been setting my camera on a table or improvised structure (a pile of books, actually) and using the built-in timer to get exposures in excess of .6 seconds.

It also remains to be seen wheather or not the negatives will even develop properly, as the mechanics of low-light development are different than normal.

I also have some rather uninteresting book review on the Greeks and why they matter. I also need to watch a movie about California and do a review of that. So, yeah, I'm doing a lot of work for being on "vacation". I suppose I should get used to it.

In the meanwhile, everybody download this Goldfrapp video (17.5mb). I saw it on LOGO's music program the other night and I thought it was....interesting. Goldfrapp is like Madonna on LSD, but with a real British accent and minus the fake Kahballah. It's called "Number One" -- the beat and the dancing are pretty good. Check it out.

Enjoy!

prayer

2006-04-14T05:53:00.000-07:00

So I had a few thoughts on prayer and such and I thought I'd write them down. For posterity, of course. For when I'm rich and (in)famous.

Well, maybe not "rich"....anywho....

Lately I've been trying to get into some kind of meditative practice. It hasn't been easy, as I suffer from what seems to be the No. 1 obstacle to sucessful prayer: The Wandering Mind.

It's hard to have a Wandering Mind. A Wandering Mind is impossible to clear, and virtually impossible to focous for more than a few minutes of tedious thought before it wanders somewhere (or somewhen) else. I just don't have the mental stamina to keep myself focused either on Jesus-type prayer (when I was a Christian) or the meditation that I try to experience these days.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should just go with it. I mean, if I can't keep my mind from wandering, I'll just make my prayer a wandering one. And why not? I think it makes more sense to be who I am rather than strain my mind to the breaking point. All to achieve what, exactly?

I'm still not completely sure what prayer "does" anyway. The logical part of my brain says that asking things of God or whatever is a waste of time. So what does prayer change? Myself? My feelings? Maybe so.

I like to think of prayer and meditation as a means of awakening -- of seeing the Universe as it really is, rather than as we would like it to be. Its a way of being subsumed into totality of Reality -- a numinous experience if there ever was one. And what does seeing things For Real do to a person?

It makes me more compassionate, more caring. Also sad sometimes. Angry other times. Afraid some other times as well. But all-in-all, I think it makes me better. It makes me realize that everything isn't just about ME.

I think I'll have to do a post eventually about how NOT to do prayer. I'll use my Mommy Dearest as a great example. Oh what a story THAT is....

speaking of music...

2006-04-14T03:38:00.000-07:00

So I started listening to a little Rush, and I'm starting to like what I hear.

I get up at seven, yeah
And I go to work at nine
I got no time for livin’
Yes, I’m workin’ all the time

It seems to me
I could live my life
A lot better than I think I am
I guess that’s why they call me
They call me the workin’ man

They call me the workin’ man
I guess that’s what I am

Nice guitar, and the message speaks to me as well. Whats not to like?

"Subdivisions" is also pretty powerful:

Sprawling on the fringes of the city
In geometric order
An insulated border
In between the bright lights
And the far unlit unknown

Growing up it all seems so one-sided
Opinions all provided
The future pre-decided
Detached and subdivided
In the mass production zone

Nowhere is the dreamer
Or the misfit so alone

Subdivisions -
In the high school halls
In the shopping malls
Conform or be cast out
Subdivisions -
In the basement bars
In the backs of cars
Be cool or be cast out
Any escape might help to smooth
The unattractive truth
But the suburbs have no charms to soothe
The restless dreams of youth

"Be cool or be cast out". Yeah, that pretty much describes my youth. Why can't we have more geek rock these days? Kids nowadays with their Jay-Z and their Linkin Park and their hoola hoops....

just one kiss on my lips

2006-04-13T03:26:00.000-07:00

Suddenly I have the urge to remix Madonna's "Forbidden Love" into a 45 minute-long epic trance beat. And delete the "there was a boy/and there was a girl" line.

I could sell it as a single and make billions from dudes wanting a soundtrack for their sex lives.

Which reminds me -- this is actually the very same song that I lost my virginity with -- over and over again. Every time the song would get ready to end, he would just lean over and hit the "back" button to play it again. I was too engrossed in the task at hand to notice the lyrics to the song, but looking back I find it was oddly appropriate.

Just one touch from your hand/was all it took to make me falter
Forbidden love/are we supposed to be together?
Forbidden love/we save our destiny forever.

It's too bad he turned out to be a jerk. Cie la vie, I guess.

btw...

2006-04-12T05:33:00.000-07:00

I realized just now that I've never read any of the Harry Potter books, nor seen any of the movies.

Nor have I seen Top Gun or Chinatown.

Man, I need to inculturate myself or something!

holy crap!

2006-04-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, two points of good news:

First, I got an "A" on my History Term paper "AIDS in California". 119/125. I'm very happy about that. I sure worked hard enough on it!

Secondly, we're getting an L&L here in town. For those of you who have never experienced Hawaiian BBQ, let me tell you: it's a trip. Carbs, carbs, carbs and protein. I think of all the world cusines that I've experienced, Hawaiian is probably the worst for you, bar none.

But man, that Chicken Tonkatsu looks divine. Do you know what Tonkatsu is? It's amazing. Its breaded chicken or pork with a kind of asian sauce who's main ingredient is applesauce. I'm not kidding, you've got to try it before you knock it.

See? Good grades and Hawaiian BBQ make life better!

Now, I'm heading upstairs, turning down the lights, lighting a few candles and reading some TS Eliot. Do I know how to unwind or what?

weekend notes

2006-04-09T03:04:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine and I got back from watching a jazz-quartet do a live performance in downtown Modesto a few hours ago. It was pretty fun and the music itself wasn't half-bad.

Afterwards we headed back to his place, polished off a bottle of wine and watched "Waiting". It's a pretty hilarious movie, although certainly not for kids. All-in-all, a great evening.

Earlier this morning, I was feeling a bit stuffy locked away in my room, so I opened up the windows to catch some fresh air. And it was very fresh. You know, fresh air has a certain kind of smell that's hard to describe. If somebody could isolate it and bottle it, I'm sure they would make a fortune. So I opened the window to this wonderful fragrance, while the song of the nightengale was carried into my room on the light breeze.

I realized then that even if I had only one reason to stay alive -- one reason to hang onto hope in the midst of the despair that I currently find myself in -- it would be so I could listen to the nightengales in the early morning breeze. That right there is one thing worth living for. There are others, of course, but as long as I have that one thing, I know I'll be okay.

Just a thought for the day.

on a much lighter note...

2006-04-07T02:34:00.000-07:00

So have any of you heard of Wilma Elizabeth McDaniels?

California's Central Valley isn't known for much -- mostly fresh produce and grinding poverty -- but .W.E McDaniels is one of our treasures. She's the unofficial poet-laureate of the Central Valley. I fell in love with her poetry after seeing a documentary on her called "Down an Old Road". Okie, sharecropper, convert to Catholicism, octogenarian...she's just an amazing woman.

And now you know!

life is a meaningless struggle for resources, occasionally interrupted by food and sex

2006-04-05T16:16:00.000-07:00

Good news and bad news.

First, the bad news:

I didn't get any of the jobs I applied for and my bank account has suddenly decided to be overdrawn. I got the "Thanks But No Thanks" postcard in the mail today from my most hopeful prospect. With no job, no cash and bills due right now, I'm what you might call "Royally Fucked With Sprinkles On Top". And not in the good way, either.

My plan of action? I will now commence with Job Search #2 and Banging Head Against Wall Activity #3987.

And now the good news:

Mom and I actually had a surprising reconciliation of sorts the other day. It was odd, and I'm still not completely sure what to think about it. Basically, I came home from a long day of apartment hunting to find mom crying on the front porch. We got to talking and she said that she was sorry that a wall had grown up between us. She said that she was angry that I had chosen this "lifestyle" and was scared that she would "loose her precious son" (a reference to AIDS, I believe), but that she had changed her mind about me not being welcome in her house.

She said that she had a kind of religious revelation, where she realized that God had not disowned her even while she was a sinner -- so she very well couldn't disown me for the same. Mom's new position certainly makes a lot more sense than other fundamentalist ideas about children and family, thats for sure. I'm still not allowed to "disrespect" the family by bringing boyfriends or whatever home, but it's a start I guess. Certainly better than nothing.

I'm also enormously encouraged by the support that I've been getting from all of you -- my online friends -- you folks are amazing. You don't even know who I am! I could be a big fat slob for all you know. Wait, that's kinda true. Bad example. I could be a big fat gay slob-- okay, still a bad example. Anyway, I could be a rotten person yet the support and love I recieve from you folks meets and surpasses the kind that I find here at home.

These are hard times for me -- and for alot of you as well. There are some days when my personal philosophy is pretty much the title of this post. All of you folks are a reason for me to think otherwise, and thats saying something. I'm grateful for all of you, in my own insufficient way. I'll pay you folks back, somehow. Someday.

In the meantime, peace.

better and still alive

2006-04-04T10:00:00.000-07:00

I'm doing a little better and I'm still alive -- most of my waking moments are now spent waiting for The Job Offer that I need. I've been looking for apartments in the meantime, and right now it's looking like I'll be in a studio rather than a 1-bedroom. Thankfully, my friend Chris is a expert at "Cozy Living" so maybe he'll offer me some pointers?

More soon.

no angel came

2006-03-31T00:42:00.000-08:00

Well I suppose you all deserve an explanation.

I'm exhausted tonight as I've gotten little sleep lately and have spent today doing all sorts of stuff, so I'll try to keep it short and sweet.

A few months ago, events conspired against me. I made some unwise decisions and came out to my mom. Big mistake. Big, big, big huge mistake. I'm not ready to go into why I did this, although I'll be happy to talk about it privately.

Anyway, Mom hasn't said much in the past few months, as evasion and denial are the standard operating procedure for our household, but yesterday things came to a head.

We had "The Talk" and mom gave me an ultimatum: either choose to be openly gay or choose to continue in our family. She's making me choose between my family and my life (or, as she sees it, between my family and my "sexual perversion"). She has stated very clearly that if I choose to continue in my "lifestyle", I will no longer be welcome in her house or around my younger siblings. She equated my "lifestyle" with being a drug-addict and said that she couldn't allow "that kind of thing" to exist in her house. If I continue in my "sin", we will be forced to "walk apart". We've heard that before, haven't we?

I will, however, be allowed to visit once in a while, especially holidays, as long as I don't bring any boyfriends/partners or any other faggots with me. I told her that I wouldn't want to visit someplace where the love of my life isn't welcome. She accepted that and said it was my choice to make.

She then hinted that promised financial and educational support would be withheld as long as I continue to "live in sin". She said that she doesn't want her money going to support "sinful behavior". (Yeah, like I'm going to spend her money on lube and condoms instead of, oh, I dunno, school supplies and food. Or, instead of paying the rent this month, I'm gonna use her money to buy a brand new pair of leather chaps. *rolls eyes*.)

She also said that I should be "thankful" that she isn't kicking me out on the street right away, "like some parents do". What enormous compassion! What grace!

So, here's whats happening: I'm being quietly disowned.

It's not the loud, public disowning that you see in movies. I'm not being thrown out of my house by the Police and checking in at the homeless shelter. I'm not sleeping in gutters and eating lunch at the Salvation Army -- even though there are many young gay men and women who do experience this every day.

Everything is very quiet, very reserved and very formal. But the fact remains: I'm being disowned.

All is not lost, however.

Today I have an interview for a new full-time job. It will be my first full-time job (assuming I get it, although I've never been turned down for a job once I've gotten an interview), and it will pay enough (barely enough, but enough) money for me to be fully independent. By "fully independent" I mean my own apartment, utilities, food, gas and the ability to actually pay my bills. The ability to actually finance my own education. Maybe even a little money left over for vacation or entertainment. That kind of independence.

It means that I'll be a Real Grownup, and just in time, too. Couldn't have come at a better time, actually.

The kicker? My folks are moving to Texas soon. Don't ask why -- it's a long story. The point is, once their gone, I'm going to be alone. I have some distant relatives in the area, and a group of friends both here in town and in SF, but everyone is few and far between. For the first time in my life, I'm going to be really and truly alone. GB versus the World. No cushion, no support, no safety net.

It's a scary feeling. But it's gotta happen eventually, so it might as well be now.

The shock is pretty bad at the moment. I feel abandoned, like a stray cat. I feel spiritually abandoned. I've always had an intellectual problem with my mother's Christianity, but now I hate it. I want to stomp on every cross that I see. I want to destroy the fucked-up religion that would set a mother against her son, and a son against his mother. Not peace, but a sword. Oh Jesus, what were you thinking when you said that? Didn't you know how people would use that passage? Didn't you know what it would do to me? Dammit, Jesus!

I'm exhausted. I won't be in good shape for my interview today, but I'm going to do the best that I can. I must get this job, or one just like it. I have to grow up now.

When I consider everything that is going on, I do have to admit that despite the emotional and spiritual assault that I've just suffered, I'm actually doing okay. I'm going to get a full-time job, hopefully with benefits and vacation time. I'm going to get my own place. I'm going to college and actually doing quite well (A's and B's on all of last week's midterms!). I'll continue to attend college and continue to do well, although perhaps at a somewhat slower pace. I'm getting ahead in life. Unlike a lot of kids my age, I'm not tied down, I don't have kids myself, I don't have $30,000 in credit-card debt and I'm still going to school. Thats got to count for something.

But how will I face my family in the future? A part of me (a very big part) wants to tell my mom to go and fuck herself, storm out the door and never look back. I think that I have every right to do just that after what I've experienced over the past few days.

Another part wants to salvage my relationship with my parents somehow. The truth is, and I know this must sound completely crazy, I still love them, and I still love her -- my mom. (For the record, apparently she hasn't told dad that I'm gay yet. I suspect that dad knows, and has known for years -- he once called me a "queen" right to my face -- but he hasn't said anything. I hope mom isn't speaking for dad, but I can't be sure). I want to be apart of their lives. I want to belong to a family. But I also don't want to be emotionally damaged by the continual assault that I will face under their supervision.

I think I'm going to try and keep the relationship going through phonecalls, letters, visits, etc. while keeping careful distance to preserve my sanity. I also don't want to be absent when my father dies. Mom has already brought this up in a surprisingly devious way, hinting that "if something happened to your father" or to her, I might be too "estranged" to attend the funeral, unless I decided to "come back to the family" (read: stop being gay). I took this as a very thinly veiled threat that I would be unwelcome at my own father's deathbed or his funeral. I also don't think it's an idle threat. I think it's serious.

So this is what I'm dealing with. This is my cross to bear. I haven't chosen to be gay, but I have chosen to live my own life to it's fullest, to be my own person and do my own thing. When I first began this journey, maybe a year ago or so, I could never have guessed how much it would cost me. I could never have guessed how much I would have to sacrifice for the right to be at peace with myself. Now I'm really a Gay Man. It happens differently for everyone, I suppose. It didn't happen when I lost my virginity. It didn't happen when I was little and realized that I liked boys.

No.

It happened yesterday when I was forced to give up the most important thing in my life so that I could stop living a lie. I became a Gay Man when I sacrificed everything that I hold dear so that I could stop lying and start living the truth. Thats when it happened. Thats how it happened.

This is the hardest thing that I've ever done. I've sacrificed everything, and no angel came.

big surprise

2006-03-30T13:54:00.000-08:00

So Justice Scalia says that the State can forcibly compel me to stop being gay:

"Question comes up: is there a constitutional right to homosexual conduct? Not a hard question for me. It's absolutely clear that nobody ever thought when the Bill of Rights was adopted that it gave a right to homosexual conduct. Homosexual conduct was criminal for 200 years in every state. Easy question."

I sure hope that there was a much longer and much more nuanced argument behind this statement, because even I could tell you that just because the Framers didn't percieve a right to homosexual conduct does not mean that one does not exist. Or that the Framers agreed on much of anything, really. Also, that just because a law has been on the books for a long time does not always mean the law is consititutional.

I thought this quote from Scalia's Lawrence V. Texas dissent was interesting as well:

"State laws against bigamy, same-sex marriage, adult incest, prostitution, masturbation, adultery, fornication, bestiality, and obscenity are likewise sustainable only in light of Bowers' validation of laws based on moral choices."

Laws against masturbation?

The sound you just heard is every American male and the majority of American females being shuffled off to prision. What a loon!

scary

2006-03-29T04:55:00.000-08:00

I just finished my report on AIDS in California.

You know what I just learned?

19.1% of gay men in California are HIV+

One in five.

WOOOHOOO!

2006-03-28T10:51:00.000-08:00

I have my first job interview on Friday at 3pm. It's not my first choice of a job, and it pays about $400 less per month than my first choice, but it's an interview none-the-less. Now I need to go buy a shirt and tie....

still working

2006-03-28T09:46:00.000-08:00

I'm working on the Paper full time now (it's due tommorrow), so no real posting until later.

In the meantime, here's what happened to the Soulforce Equality Ride bus in Cleveland:

I, for one, think that we should claim this bigotry and disarm it. My next license-plate is going to read FGSMOBL.

I dare anybody to mess with it.

Sunday

2006-03-26T02:26:00.000-08:00

Today is Sunday and I have nothing to write about. I'm going to try a new experiment in blogging.

Throughout the day, I'm going to continually update this post with different things that strike me, or perhaps don't strike me. Or whatever. Starting now.

2:26 AM - Nothing happening.

3:36 PM - I woke up a few hours ago and realized that Sunday is probably the wrong day for this kind of experiment, as my little brother is online ALL DAY playing his video games because he's only allowed to do so on the Weekends. He's taking a little respite right now so I have a chance to poke around and write something. I think I'll make some stuffing for lunch. You know what the secret to good stuffing is? Chicken broth instead of water. Try it!

4:08 PM - Interesting website. Interesting statistics:

FACT:In 2003 (the most recent year for which data is available), there were 30,136 gun deaths in the U.S:

* 16,907 suicides (56% of all U.S gun deaths),
* 11,920 homicides (40% of all U.S gun deaths),
* 730 unintentional shootings (2% of all U.S gun deaths),
* 347 from legal intervention and 232 from undetermined intent (2% of all U.S gun deaths combined).

-Numbers obtained from CDC National Center for Health Statistics mortality report online, 2006.

FACT: Comparison of U.S. gun homicides to other industrialized countries:
In 1998 (the most recent year for which this data has been compiled), handguns murdered:

* 373 people in Germany
* 151 people in Canada
* 57 people in Australia
* 19 people in Japan
* 54 people in England and Wales, and
* 11,789 people in the United States

(*Please note that these 1998 numbers account only for HOMICIDES, and do not include suicides, which comprise and even greater number of gun deaths, or unintentional shootings).
- Provided by the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence

Hmmmm...

4:30 PM - I had the stuffing, it was amazing. You know what I could really use right now? Two slices of bread, some mayonnaise, roasted turkey and some cranberry sauce. Thanksgiving Sandwiches all around. Those are so delicious....mmmmmm....

5:07 PM - Frustrated because I can't find my checkbook.

life, death and photos

2006-03-24T23:45:00.000-08:00

So I'm doing a paper on AIDS in California, and the main source book for this paper is "And The Band Played On" by Randy Shilts, peace to his memory.

Its one of those books that's impossible to put down and yet somehow impossible to pick back up again. You don't want to keep reading because you know whats coming. You know that this character, this likeable person that you're getting to know, has suddenly discovered some lesions on his legs and back but isn't too concerned about it. But you know whats going to happen, even while the character doesn't. It's like a horror novel where the alien monster is always creeping right around the corner, ready to devour the next hapless victim.

It makes me sad to see that there was so much bickering, so much political maneuvering inside and outside the gay community in the early days of the epidemic: Reagan didn't care that much. A lot of straights thought it was God's Curse on fags and drug users. People really thought that you could get it from sneezes, or just touching someone. The guys who owned the baths flat-out refused to educate their clients, fearing a significant drop in business. A lot of political-minded gay activists resisted the "safe-sex" and "monogamy" message, fearing a "rollback" of the Sexual Revolution. Guys like Geatan Dugas for whom asking to lay off sex was literally like asking them to stop breathing. Gay doctors who suggested curtailing some of our sexual practices were accused of being that oh-so-dreadful "self-hating" queer.

It was a moment and a climate ripe for an epidemic, and look what happened!

As I read through the book today (and believe me, it's a big book), my thoughts started to turn inward. I started to think about myself and my life. Each of the characters in this book faces their own mortality in their own way, and I wondered how I would face mine.

Recently I've been thinking that I should attend a local Bear meeting or maybe even a pool party once things heat up a bit. Most of the guys there are pretty cool, I've heard, and being a young, svelte cub that I am, I'm sure that I would turn more than a few heads. Thats an amazing feeling, especially when you've grown up hating your body and thinking that nobody will ever find you attractive. Suddenly you find yourself around a bunch of hot older guys who think you're the cutest thing since sliced bread. The temptation there is immense -- not just the temptation to (excuse my language) get fucked until I can't see straight -- but the temptation to be physically wanted by so many men, and to devote my life to being wanted in that way.

I realized, as I sat there, that I wanted my life to be about more than turning heads with my body or living for the next Encounter, no matter how temporarily hot it may be. For me, this temptation is Sex, for others it might be Work or, in my brothers case, Video Games. Whatever it is, it's the Master that we serve more than anything, and it's not worth it. It's keeping us from really living.

I decided that I want to live for something, something good. Something bigger than myself. I want to help people and make life better for everyone. Maybe in an AIDS prevention setting, maybe in some other setting. Of course, I still plan on turning heads at Bear parties (*grins*), and I also still intend to enjoy sex in a relationship, but it's not going to be my focus anymore. I want people to remember a geek_boi who was full of love and was loved by so many. Thats what I want in the end, no matter how I end up checking out.

On a much lighter note, here are some recently developed pictures. Enjoy!

I've been told that my pictures tend to have an abstract, "Zen" quality to them. Here are a few cases in point:

Hallway at school:

Door and stairwell at school:

Campus at sunset:

Girl's dugout at sunset:

Now for some "warmer" pictures.

Cats on a chair in the garage:

Brother, Sister, New Puppy and Dyson vaccum:

A well-used kitchen:

Everybody have a good weekend!

so incredibly busy

2006-03-23T16:40:00.000-08:00

I'm extremely, extremely busy right now. Midterms are over but I have an eight-page paper due next Wed. that I need to start on. I'm also applying for new jobs like mad.

I'll probably have the time to post something this weekend -- so stay tuned, keep the home fires burning and all that!

this too shall pass

2006-03-19T01:37:00.000-08:00

Well today wraps up another week. This week is going to be pretty busy, in a very challenging way. I have two midterms that are due (on Monday and Tuesday, respectively) and I need to start on an eight-page research paper (about AIDS in California) that is due on the 29th. I also have several photography projects coming down the pike at a rate of one due every week. So the next week or two is going to be busy, and posting here will be proportionally less. I'm going to miss blogging -- and I do love blogging -- but school is very, very importat. If I'm ever going to get out of this economic rut I'm in, school is going to be a must-have.

I spent a good deal of Saturday sleeping in and calling one of my online friends. Two of them, actually. One on purpose and the other on accident. Figure that one out! Today I had one of those OH SHIT moments that seem so common in modern life. It was no sooner than I had finished talking with my friend about a literary disaster that had just taken place (and let me tell you -- "literary disasters" rank just behind "personal disasters" and "financial disasters" for a writer. It's not fun.) when the swipe-machine at a local resturant declined my credit card. My credit card is actually a Bank Card, so that means problems with the card usually mean problems with my bank account -- and most of you know that I've had quite enough problems with my bank account lately.

So, naturally, when the words "CARD DECLINED -- CONTACT BANK" came up on the screen, I was a little concerned. No, thats not true. I really shit my pants. At least I hadn't eaten anything yet, so I didn't have to wash dishes or rob the bank or something. But still, it was scary. I started to wonder if somehow I had been overdrawn again, and if somehow I had to pay hundreds of dollars in fees again. Hundreds of dollars in fees are a real killer when you only make, on average, 100 bucks a week or so. Sometimes less.

So, I get back home and check my online banking site. Thankfully, it looks like the problem was a small fee charged to my (empty) savings account, about two dollars or so, which "froze" the rest of my account, including my slightly fuller checking account. I took care of the fee, so hopefully things will work now. Still, for a minute there, I thought I was a goner.

For some reason, the thought of calamaty made me think of a phrase that I heard as a child. "This too shall pass". I never knew the full story behind it, until I discovered just now that it's a Rabbinical tale of some sort. Informative, I think. One day, my bank account troubles won't matter. A comforting thought, I think. What will matter is the kind of person that I am now and will be one day. Food for thought....but how do I go about being a good person? Hell if I know.

on a political note....

2006-03-16T22:57:00.000-08:00

Budgets are important, don't you agree? They let you see where your money is going and give you an idea if your money is being spent wisely. The more money you spend, of course, the harder it is to keep track of everything. Maybe that's why so many people have trouble understanding the Federal Budget. Such huge numbers! Such diverse applications!

Well here's a handy way to visualize where your tax dollars are going: Death and Taxes.

The link above is basically a huge flow chart showing where all discretionary funds are being spent by Congress. Social Security and Medicare are omitted because, technically, they aren't "discretionary"; they're mandatory.

The image is pretty big, so expect a minute or two for it to fully load.

Here's the breakdown in case you don't want to wait:

The US Federal Budget can basically be divided into two sections:

Military Spending and Everything Else.

Military Spending is (of course) the largest of the two coming in at almost 400 Billion for 2004. Everything Else was only allotted 383 Billion for 2004. The "Everything Else" number would be even lower if you considered the FBI, Homeland Security, the VA, the Coast Guard, NASA Jet Research and the Department of Energy Nuclear Division to basically count as "Military Spending" (or at least "Defense Spending"), which I do.

Speaking of Military Spending, the largest cash-guzzler is the Navy/Marine corps, coming in at 114.6 Billion for 2004, with the Airforce coming in a close second at 113.7 Billion and the Army last at a "mere" 93 Billion. So what sort of things are costing that much money?

Well, the Navy has ordered a bunch of brand-new Virginia-class Submarines, which cost about 2.6 billion EACH, presumably to fight the evil Terrorist Sea-Monsters or something. Or just in case Osama teams up with Captain Nemo, I guess. I don't have anything against submarines, mind you, it's just difficult in my mind to justify 2.6 billion dollars for something that could potentially be sunk by one cheap torpedo.

Aside from that, we also spent 1.654 Billion on the shockingly dangerous pork-barrel goldmine known as the V-22 Osprey.

Incidentally, one of the first people to realize the silliness of the V-22 way back in the early 90's was then Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney. Although eventually he was browbeaten into submission by Congressional Republicans from the states where the V-22 was going to be built. Think of the V-22 as a giant, flying barrel of pork for the 21st century.

Let's not even mention the billion dollars apiece being spent on the Comanche & Blackhawk Helicopters plus the new "Stryker Fighting Vehicle".

Compare these costs with the amount of money we spend on things like, say, Housing for Persons with AIDS (.297 billion), Housing for the Elderly (.773 billion), Global AIDS Spending (.450 billion) -- are you noticing the decimal points in front of these numbers? Mr. Math would like to point out that that those numbers are smaller than a billion.

Now, I'm not saying that we don't need military equipment. I'm a pragmatist, and I realize that big countries tend to have big military expenditures -- although there are complicated and nuanced reasons behind this...(part of me wonders if we would need to spend half our budget on military stuff if we weren't continually pissing people off.)

I realize that some military expenditures are ultimately needed and, in the end, I don't have much of a problem with that. The thing is, though, I can't look at that diagram and not come away with the conclusion that one Virginia-class Submarine could pay the cost of Housing the Elderly, people with AIDS, Global AIDS Spending and still have more than enough left over to cover the National Endowment for the Arts (.117 billion) and the Humanities (.152 billion).

The cost of one submarine.

Some of you might be thinking that we already spend enough on the "soft" programs like Global AIDS. I grant you that the .450 billion we spend on that program isn't small potatoes. It's my understanding that we are the largest contributor to AIDS relief around the world, which is good.

It gets less-than-good, however, when you consider that we spend more money on the Bureau of the Census (.662 billion) or the National Institute of Standards and Technology (.498 billion), or the Bureau of Labor Statistics (.512 billion), or Foreign Military Financing (.i.e, training and funding for Egypt and Israel to arm themselves to the teeth -- 4.141 Billion), or the Trident II Ballistic Missile (.780 billion). So, when the AIDS sufferers in Africa, China and Los Angeles look to the US Government for help, our collective answer is "Sorry, but the Census is slightly more important. Oh, and a shiny new Trident is simply a must-have. Thanks for playing! Buh-bye!"

So, obviously, I have different spending priorities than the leaders of this country. No surprise there. If I was Supreme Ruler of America, I would allocate more money to the things that I liked and less money to things that I don't. Thankfully, we live in a democracy so you'll never have to worry about me diverting funds from the V-22 project to, gosh, I dunno, the newly created "Department of Sprucing Up America's Neighborhoods And Generally Making Sure That People Dress Tastefully" -- which is the sort of Cabinet-Level department that would be formed under the GeekBoi administration.

We live in a democracy, which means that we all have to negotiate (or, rather, elect people to negotiate for us) what our budget priorities are going to be. But we can't negotiate or elect negotiators properly without first knowing exactly how much is going where. Most Americans, I think, don't bother to really educate themselves, which may end up being the downfall of our democracy. Until that happens, though, it's your duty to get educated, get outspoken and for god's sake VOTE.

Because knowing is half the battle.

the code of silence

2006-03-15T16:26:00.000-08:00

You know whats weird?

Having sex with a totally random, anonmyous guy.

You know whats even weirder?

Seeing that guy in the cafeteria at school a few months later.

I'm not worried about a nasty public "outing", though. He described himself as "Bi" and also comes from a culture where having sex with men is heavily frowned upon -- so I think he was more scared or shocked at seeing me in the cafeteria than I was of him.

We'll probably see each other as the year goes on -- I had no idea he went to my school when I met him -- but I already know there won't be any communication. Just knowing glances -- or maybe not even a glance. Maybe just silence -- because we're both afraid of what we know about each other.

I really don't want to talk to him, anyway. He terrified me and wasn't the most loveable person I've been with.

It's one of those moments when I'm glad that I gave up the whole swingin' thing before I really took off with it.

yeah, I'm a geek

2006-03-14T22:19:00.000-08:00

"The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."

It opens here on St. Patty's day. Who wants to go?

international mail 4: more sequels than Rocky

2006-03-14T00:52:00.000-08:00

It's springtime and that means International Male is coming out with their latest line of crimes against humanity! No, I mean their latest line of clothes! I take that back; I really mean crimes against humanity! Yay!

For those of you just joining us, International Male is ostensibly a mail-order clothing catalogue for all men. I say "ostensibly" for "all men" because any man who ranks less than a "five" on the Kinsey scale isn't going to shop with IM.

Case in point: observe the Whittall And Shon Holey Tank:

See what I mean?

Anyway, on with the show.

One of the things that I've always found hilarious about IM is that the models who display most of their underwear or swimwear also display about ten tons of Package as well. Make no mistake, I'm a big fan of Package. Love the stuff, myself. Can't live without it, you might say.

It's just that IM models have this habit of either wearing their undies extremely tight or just being naturally well-endowed. I'm not jealous, though. I'm comfortable with my own personal, uh, blessing. I'm just, well, curious. Are the models chosen for this quality or what? Check out the "Beachcomber Tank", for example:

Just look at that and tell me thats not a sock. Seriously. It's like he stuck one of these down his insanely small swimsuit. I can't imagine someone being that insecure, but I also have trouble understanding how these models can be that "natural".

Moving right along...

You're driving down a lonely road one day. You're in a place called "Nowhere" and you've just hit the middle. The road is dusty and most of all, empty. Then, miles up ahead, you spot a small white figure on the horizon. He grows larger as you get closer, meanwhile some thumping dance music that seems to come from nowhere begins to rise in volume. You get close enough to the figure to make him out clearly, and hopefully to make out. Yes, you crazy horndog you, there's the man of your dreams! And he just happens to like guys who look just like you -- whatever you look like. He's stranded and needs gas for his ass! You're his only hope!

Yes! You've just driven your way into your very own gay pron movie. Congratulations! All this and more can be yours if you just buy the "Evaristo Sleeveless Shirt". It better get me laid if its going to cost me thirty bucks.

While you're at it, be sure to buy the "Sleveless St. Tropez Sweater". Because only "one of us" could design a sweater that you're supposed to wear like a tank top.

Speaking of things that only we could think of, I present to you "Low-Rise Metallic Pants":

I swear to god, if you ever see me dressed up like a baked potato, go ahead and shoot me. Just LOOK at how hot he is. No, I don't mean his looks -- I mean the searing 300 degrees celcius inside that tinfoil. You could bake a pot roast in-between those sexy loins! Take one side of beef, six medium potatoes, four carrots, two cups of red wine. Marinade the beef in wine for six hours, then place firmly in this guy's "special place" with potatoes and carrots. Let bake for 2 hours and enjoy.

The IM website describes this as a "Twill Pant", with a "country club approach to casual style."

I'd like to know what kind of "Country Club" this guy frequents. I suspect it has a big "MEN ONLY" sign on the door and no windows, if you know what I mean. Maybe a bit like Augusta National, perhaps?

Check out the "Tattoo Illusion T-shirt":

According to the website, the "tattoos" on that guys arm are actually printed on a "nearly invisible mesh" -- so it looks like you're arms are covered in tats from a distance. Sadly, I can't get a closer look to see how good the illusion holds up close, although I bet it's as bad as it sounds. I guess this is almost the logical conclusion of stick-on tattoos that you can get at the grocery store. Lets hope it doesn't catch on.

IM is also bragging about their "Zebra Velvet V-Neck Knit":

The website describes it as "topping everything with a soft touch". Yeah, I bet that guy really does top everything with a soft touch. Wink wink.

IM describes this one as an "IM Sport(tm) Liquid Shirt":

I'm amazed at how this "Liquid" shirt lives up to it's name. It really does look like it was sprayed on him, or at least poured on. Truth in advertising, I guess. I also wonder if those ENORMOUS PECS ever get in the way of every day activities, like, you know, thinking.

Finally and without further ado, the real reason why gay men read the IM catalogue: The Underwear Section.

Some underwear, of course, is hotter than others.

Hot:

Marine-Corps Hot:

Traffic cone in undies? Not so hot:

Wearing your sister's pajamas? Least hot of them all:

Well that about wraps up this season's foray into the twisted fashion world that we gay men build for ourselves. I'm sure you're all glad that its over. I know I am. Join me next time for another shocking expose' of the madness that is International Male.

at any cost

2006-03-12T01:58:00.000-08:00

Ok, so a small percentage of adoptive parents in Massachusetts are gay. One of the organizations that helps kids find foster parents happens to be Catholic Charities. Massachusetts has a law preventing Catholic Charities (or any other adoption agency) from discriminating against any would-be foster parent on the basis of sexual orientation.

Still with me?

So Catholic Charities has been matching needy kids with gay parents for some time -- until the Bishops decided that it would be better for no child to be adopted than for a single child to be adopted by a gay parent.

In a stunning turn of events, Archbishop Sean P. O'Malley and leaders of Catholic Charities of Boston announced yesterday that the agency will end its adoption work, deciding to abandon its founding mission, rather than comply with state law requiring that gays be allowed to adopt children.

What we are seeing here is a return to the Bad Old Days. I can think of a couple reasons why someone might be turned down as a foster parent. Maybe a history of drug use or alcohol abuse (without any attempt at recovery anyway), or maybe a lengthy and violent criminal record, or a history of sexual abuse. The Bishop's decision only makes sense if you consider being gay to be roughly equivalent to violent crime or sexual abuse. We've heard this tune before, haven't we?

This idea, that our existence as parents and human beings is so overwhelmingly harmful to society, children, the Church, etc., that the foster children of Massachusetts are better off living in orphanages rather than one of them be placed with a gay couple -- truly this is the height of bigotry. I'm loathe to draw connections between people's words and the actions of others, but can we really be surprised that some people commit acts of violence against gays and lesbians when this kind of rhetoric finds a home at the very top of the Catholic church? How long will it be before someone decides to act on this, frankly, eliminationist rhetoric coming from the Church? How many times can a red-blooded, patriotic American Christian hear that the dreaded Homosexual is such an incredible threat to all that he holds dear, before he decides to act on it? How long before we get our own Kristallnacht?

*sigh*

Kids in Massachusetts are still going to be adopted. The vast majority of them will be placed in "straight" families, a few others will be placed in single-sex households, just like always. This will all be done by largely secular or Protestant charities now, and hopefully they will pick up the slack left by the RCC. The damage, however, has been done. We are the Enemy: So insidious and disgusting is our very existence that children must be protected from us at virtually any cost.

And Gov. Mitt Romney has announced that any attempt to make the Catholic Church not discriminate against gays and lesbians is "a threat to religious freedom", much like recognizing same-sex marriage would be a "blow to the family" and lead to America suffering a loss of prestige among the nations.

I'm beginning to wonder how anyone couldn't hate us. We must be terrible people, musn't we?

Damien just posted a good reminder of how I must not hate someone just because they hate me. The Martin Luther King quote was very apt as well. We can't fight violence with violence -- we have to fight it the hard way: with truth and love. Not easily done, but MLK knew what he was talking about.

a mundane weekend post

2006-03-11T08:43:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling better this weekend. I got most of all of my bills paid (for this month, anyway) -- that was a major load off my mind. I'm constantly amazed at how depressed I can get when I have outstanding bills. I wonder if Tillich ever considered bills to be an induction into existential crisis?

I have a question for you all.

What does it mean to be Masculine?

I probably should have prefaced that question with "Speaking of existential crisis.."

The problem is, you see, that sometimes I can't seperate "real" Masculinity from the cartoonish parody of masculinity in my own head -- and the heads of others. My thoughts turn back to Loverboi, the first guy (first anybody, actually) that I ever dated. "I'm Masculine, you know, straight-acting and all that," he used to tell me, "I can't stand femmes. I could never date one of them, just FYI."

It's no wonder I had issues with that guy. How many hours of introspection did I waste trying to figure out if I'm "manly" enough for Loverboi. How many hours do I still waste thinking about it, even now that Loverboi is SO 2005?

It would be helpful, perhaps, if our society had an easy definition of Masculine so I could know for sure if I was "in" or "out". Most of the time, I tend to view the general definitions our society gives as being somewhat harmful. The competitive, focused, unemotional, uncaring, borderline sociopathic qualities of Masculinity mixed in with "loyal", "trustworthy", "strong" and "responsible" seem to define popular versions of American masculinity pretty well, I think.

Can I have the good qualities without the bad? Or does that make me a "cafeteria man"?

Do the little things matter too? Can I still be masculine with my dragon oil burner in the post below? My new pink polo shirt? The way my arms flail about when I talk?

Maybe I'll just have to define "Masculine" as anything that Men do. If thats the case, my pink polo shirt is just as masculine as anything else that men wear, and vice versa. Does Masculinity then loose all meaning? "Maybe if it actually had a meaning in the first place...." he says with a flick of his wrist.

going, going, gone

2006-03-10T03:23:00.000-08:00

I can't deny the truth anymore. I can't deny reality. Even though an entire cult has been created in this country to deny my existence, I must persevere. An entire religion has been built up around the idea that I'm a defective human being -- a "biological error" as one person put it. Whole industries have been created to try and "change" us from who we really are into something completely different -- and the results are often shockingly unnatural.

Yes folks, I'm coming out of another closet.

You see....

....I'm going bald.

Had you going there for a minute, didn't I?

I first realized that I was starting to go bald when I was about 16 or so. Maybe a bit later, but not by much. The picture above really is the top of my head, circa age 22. You can see that it's really starting to go now. Suddenly I hear the voice of HAL 9000 in my head: "My hair is going, Dave. I can feel it going. Mary had a little lamb..."

There was once a time when my hair loss would have caused me great distress. I used to fret about it constantly -- always looking in the mirror and counting how many hundreds of hairs I lost just today. It was not a fun time to be me.

Then, almost out of nowhere, I learned to live with it. Or maybe my self-loathing about baldness got subsumed into my self-loathing about my weight and/or financial situation. Whatever. The point is: eventually I learned to live with it. Some guys can't, so I feel myself blessed not to worry about it.

I don't blame those guys for their god-awful toupee's and better-looking but extremely expensive implants. It's really not their fault -- it's actually our society's fault (meaning all of our fault, to some extent) that we find "a good head of hair" to be unspeakably attractive while baldness is considered unattractive. The only remedy for this, I guess, is to start finding baldness attractive. I had better do it anyway, since I'm going that way quickly myself.

You know whats funny? As soon as I started to accept myself as going bald -- and convinced myself that I wasn't going to abuse myself with a rug or Rogaine -- I started to see the attractiveness in other bald or balding men. I started to see baldness as a plus rather than a negative. It's amazing what happens when you start to see yourself in a better light.

So, guys, throw away the rug, toss out the Rogaine and get out the baby powder -- cuz were bald, were beautiful, so get used to it!

foodgasm

2006-03-08T14:58:00.000-08:00

You know what I could really go for right now?

Steaming hot corn on the cob with melted butter and salt.

*drools*

moments

2006-03-07T18:05:00.000-08:00

I had one of those "moments" today.

Art class had just finished and I was walking out of the building towards my car when it started to rain. It's been stormy around here lately and I got caught in the maelstrom without my jacket on. Just my luck, eh?

I braved the icy cold water until I reached my car. I put my bag in the trunk and was ready to take off when I saw it.

There it was, so close that I thought I could touch it.

A rainbow. The biggest, brightest rainbow that I've ever seen in my life. Two of them, actually, an extremely rare double rainbow.

I fumbled around in my trunk for my Photography-class camera, found it and snapped some pictures. I also kicked myself when I realized that I had previously loaded black-and-white film into my camera. Ah well, black and white rainbows are still pretty.

It's difficult to describe to those who haven't seen one, or seen one the way that I saw it today. It was near sunset, and the red light from the setting sun set the rainbows on fire, giving them an inner radiance that I had never seen before. It was like they were jewels -- big ribbons of gemstone strung across both ends of the sky.

I stood there and got soaked watching the display. I didn't care. It was too beautiful to make me care about anything else. One of those moments.

I wanted to share this with someone, anyone, other than myself. I had the zeal of a convert, converted to a religion of fleeting rainbows and mucking about in the rain. I looked around but no one else was there to see it. That made me feel sad, as mystical experiences can be intensely personal, but often shouldn't be, methinks. Thats why sex is better with someone else rather than just by yourself.

I decided to stay and watch the rainbow as it faded, as they all inevitably do, I decided to keep a vigil of sorts -- to stay and preside over this rare religious moment. I realized at then that this moment was one of the moments that make up "Life" and that I should drink it up and keep it close to my heart.

So I did. And it was good.

one more time!

2006-03-06T03:30:00.000-08:00

Things are going a bit better here now that a day has passed since the assault on my parents car. I still can't quite believe that it happened, but at least everybody is sort of back to normal by now.

I'm sort of at a loss right now as to what I should write about here. I've been in a writing dry spell for some time now, although today I'm drawing a complete blank.

Lets see....Oh, here's something: I'd like to spruce up my room a bit with some incense or candles. I've been having some bad allergic reactions lately -- probably because it's cold out so I haven't been opening my windows -- hence extra dust and coughing fits late at night.

Check out this oil burner. I think it's cute! My only fear is that people will think I'm some kind of goth kid if I go too crazy with the dragons. Phhph. Who cares what imaginary people think, anyway? Yeah, I have dragonesque furniture in my room. Sue me.

Now if only I had a place in my room to put those things, like a desk or something....

Most of you don't know this, but I've never actually had a desk here in this house -- not in the four years that we've lived here. We've just never had the time or the resources to make the journey up to Ikea in Oakland and get myself a badly needed desk, chair, bookshelf and wardrobe. I've been using my laptop on my dresser and doing homework on my bed for four years, and it's starting to get on my nerves.

Ah, for the day when I have my own apartment, my own furniture and my own stuff. Of course, once I have all those things, I'll have no one else to blame when they get dirty/trashy or worn out. Ah, the joys of being a grownup...

what the fuck?

2006-03-05T00:31:00.000-08:00

Ok. Let me try and tell you what happened today without sounding completely insane. Or completely flustered, I can't tell which. Honestly, I'm so out of my mind right now I don't know what to write.

Some maniac almost killed my entire family tonight. How's that for a summary?

Every Saturday my parents, siblings and such get in the car and drive to the Bay Area to see our extended family. They leave in the morning and come back late at night. Today was no different -- they had spent the whole day in the Bay visiting with friends and family and now they were driving back along a lonesome country road when, quite suddenly, a man leaned out the driver's side window of his passing truck, aimed some sort of cannon at my parent's car and fired.

My mom saw the muzzle flash and felt the impact. Whatever projectile was fired (thankfully) hit the steel window-frame thingy and NOT the actual front window. If it had hit the window it would have surely gone through and probably, literally, would have at least killed my mom. I saw the dent in the window-frame -- it's about 5 inches lengthwise, 3 inches wide and 1 inch deep -- in solid steel. Whatever that evil fuck fired at my parent's car, it was meant to hurt. Meant to kill, maybe.

My mom pulled drove a few more miles and pulled into the nearest trucker's restaurant. The Highway Patrol met them there and inspected the damage. They concluded (and I agree) that whatever was fired wasn't an actual bullet -- the damage is far too "blunt" for it to have been a conventional firearm. My guess is that it was some kind of bean-bag cannon that the police use in riot situations. The cops took down the report and left. They said that the guys will probably never be caught.

Everyone in the car (Mom, Dad, two sisters and my brother-in-law) are all right. Physically, anyway. They're obviously shaken, as am I. It could have been much, much worse. Like I said, if it had gone through the windshield and hit my mom, it could have easily knocked her out, or worse. She would have lost control of the car and careened into a ditch or off a hill. I could have lost my whole family tonight.

And to think that there is some maniac out there -- some monster who gets his kicks by hurting innocent people -- and that he's out there right now, laughing about what he almost did to my family tonight.

What the fuck is wrong with some people? I'm pissed. Really, really pissed. Scared too, but mostly pissed. Shit, just when my week was getting better...

Be careful out there, everybody.

feeling better

2006-03-04T06:14:00.000-08:00

I am feeling better today, and thanks to all of my friends who have been pulling for me. I'm constantly amazed at the kind of support that I have from people that I've never met in person. Who said the internet was a bad idea?

I went out for a walk yesterday and that made me feel better -- although I still am under the impulse to stay inside and sleep all day. Not very healthy, mentally nor physically. I also paid off one of my bills yesterday (paid it off for this month, anyway), so thats making me feel better too. Being an official Grownup now, I can totally sympathize with my parents who would get awfully "low" when the bills didn't get paid. It's stressful.

I'm thinking of making a trip to Borders today. Not to buy anything, heavens no! I don't have money for a cup of coffee, let alone a book. No, just window shopping for me. Just sitting quietly and reading books makes a good day for me. Yeah, thats why they call me "geek boi".

In the meantime, I'm going to take Nate's advice and stear clear of bad news stories. It seems these days that there is almost an Outrage every day -- especially if you're gay or poor -- or perhaps both gay and poor like myself. I'm not one to ignore problems in larger society, but I'll have to take a raincheck if it's going to affect my health.

In the meanwhile, I'll need to find something nice to post about this weekend. Hmmm....

i can feel it coming

2006-03-03T00:07:00.000-08:00

I'm getting depressed again. I can feel it.

I've been suffering from this problem for years. As long as I can remember, actually. Sometimes I can go months without having an episode, sometimes I get stuck in an episode for months. I think my last episode was about a year ago, maybe a bit more.

It's back again, though.

Depression is hard to describe unless you've actually felt it badly once or twice. It's sort of like being shrouded in a cloud -- a very dark and wet cloud that seeps into your lungs and nostrils -- suffocating you. Or a weight that just sits on your shoulders and doesn't let up. Depression is a profound feeling of helplessness and mental misery -- and that's where I'm at right now. Or where I'm going to be in a few days.

I was on medication for it a while back, and I think it really helped. Talking it over with people helps too. Depression is funny like that -- there isn't a single cure per se, just different things you can do to try and alleviate it. I would like to be back on meds, but I have nowhere near the funds or insurance to do so. Maybe one day.

It's kind of a hard thing for me to talk about, as many people who have never experienced it consider depression to be a "fake disease" or something you can just "get over". I know I've gotten that lecture a few times from my dad, for example. I also get funny looks from people when I openly crave the pills that helped me to feel better. It makes me sound like such a druggie, but believe me, if something helped you to feel better, you'd want it too.

I don't want to spend my whole life under a cloud of depression. I've got to find a way to beat this thing.

now THIS is an abomination

2006-03-02T18:29:00.000-08:00

Courtesey Pandagon:

Lawsuit: gay man dies after cop prevents CPR

"Claude Green, Jr. had a heart attack while driving with a friend, Billy Snead, in Welch, West Virginia. When Snead tried to perform CPR on his friend, the officer that came to the scene, Chief of Police Robert K. Bowman stopped Snead from doing so, and Green died.

[...]

When Snead didn’t stop the CPR, Bowman grabbed Snead by the shoulders and physically barred Snead from continuing CPR at a critical point in Green’s resuscitation. Snead, who had not realized at first that Bowman was a police officer, obeyed his commands.

[...]

While they were putting Green in the ambulance, Bowman informed EMS workers that Green was HIV positive. Although the EMS workers ignored Bowman’s warnings and performed CPR on Green, he passed away shortly after arriving at the hospital. He did not have HIV. The court papers said that Bowman based his assumption that Green was HIV+ because he knew Green was gay."

When is this going to stop?

jaws

2006-03-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

The Military plans to give sharks "brain implants" and release them into the wild to help win the War on Terror.

What could possibly go wrong?

and a very fat tuesday to you as well

2006-02-28T18:33:00.000-08:00

Today I woke up around 1pm and remembered that IHOP was giving away free pancakes. Being a man of ravenous taste, especially in the mornin--er, afternoon, I mean, I decided to go and get me some flapjacks.

Apparently those wily papists have a tradition of eating pancakes today, and IHOP -- being America's largest purveyor of artery-clogging goodness -- was giving them out for free. So, I spent fat tuesday getting fatter. It was the best free brunch that I've ever had, and the only one I've ever had, too. So I guess that makes it the best?

Afterwards I drove over to my friend Bob's house to chit-chat. Bob and Bill (one of my coworkers) and Bob's girlfriend were putting in a new firepit in their backyard when I arrived. I couldn't wait to tell them about the amazing free pancakes that I had just eaten. They were less than thrilled, I guess. Something about not wanting to repent of gluttony come tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, they reminded me that it's Ash Wednesday. Being raised Evangelical, I was brought up to believe that Ash Wednesday is one of those bizarre unbiblical mystery rituals that The Catholics did. (Note that in Fundamentalist parlance, Catholic people are never individual "people", they're always The Catholics. Kinda like Reagan talking about The Russians.) I asked Bob if he was going to get the Ash thing done tomorrow.

"Of course." he said

"But why?" I asked, "You're an atheist, aren't you?"

"C'mon GB," he snorted, "Being an atheist is no reason not to be a good Catholic."

Happy Lent, everybody!

great

2006-02-27T08:09:00.000-08:00

What a way to start my week.

I was shaving just a few minutes ago -- getting rid of my daily outgrowth of stubble and weekly crop of moustache and goatee -- when I somehow managed to eviscerate my lip.

I was shaving my moustache (which was starting to look almost Brawnyman-esque) from the ends moving inward, as I always do, when somehow my triple-action lubricated blade slipped and sliced sideways across my lip.

Funny thing about face-wounds -- even tiny ones -- is that they bleed like crazy. I was just about soaked in my own blood before I had enough foresight to apply pressure with a wad of toilet paper. My next thought was to go and look for some anti-bacterial ointment to keep me from getting infected.

So, off I go, rooting around the house looking for a tube of ointment. After I had asked just about everyone I could find, I found some and made my way back to my bathroom....

...only to look in the mirror and discover that thanks to my accident, I stopped shaving my moustache at just the right moment to give me a historically accurate "Hitler" look. Thats right, folks, I went walking around my house accidentally donning the worst moustache ever: The Hitler.

And to top it all off: the bloody scab on my lip makes it look like I have a terrible case of herpes. Hooray.

If you need something to cheer you up (and I know that I do) check out 30-second bunnies. All of your favorite classic movies, condensed into 30 seconds and starring.....bunnies. It's hilarious, and safe for work, too!

my sexy city

2006-02-27T02:30:00.000-08:00

WARNING: The links on this post are not safe for work or kids. Be advised.

I discovered My Sexy City the other day. It's pretty....um, interesting.

Make no mistake: I'm a big fan of public health outreach. My Sexy City is just an interesting and novel way of reaching out to young gay men about our particular health risks.

The website can best be described, as another blogger puts it, as:

"The Institute for Gay Men's Health has launched a safer sex website catering to younger gay men. ... The L.A. based group has decided to focus attention to high risk groups of gay men and bisexuals, 18-29. The interactive nature of the animated site enables the visitor to click on various scenarios. It incorporates an animated cast of characters according to types of gay men found in our gay culture. It is definitely a step in the right direction. It shows guys having sex as well as practicing unsafe sex under risky behavior scenarios."

Thats about right. Shorter description: you follow cartoon characters around as they make choices about their sex life, drug habits and general health. You can help them to make some of their decisions too -- just make sure you make the right ones!

All in all, I'd say it was helpful. Most of the info I already know (and I suspect the same can be said for most gay men 18 - 29), although I did learn a few things about Syphilis that I hadn't already known -- including the need to be tested for it. If you're going to check the website out (well away from prying eyes at work, hopefully), be sure to check out the "bio" section where you can get info on all the regulars at Club Vibrate (the fictional gay watering hole that the 'toons frequent).

I can say that the bio section actually did more to raise awareness in my own mind about the risks of casual sex than any other part of the website. Why? Because most bios read something like this:

Name: Tweeka
Age: 21
Tweeka hangs out with his coworkers at straight bars. He is always horny and always looking for sex. He usually finds sex online or at Club Vibrate. Just about anything turns him on, especially hands and feet. He smokes weed and does Tina on the weekends. He's also HIV+ but in denial about it.

The scary thing is that this guy could be any one of the guys that I could potentially sleep with. One of the things that the website hammers home -- although in a oddly subtle fashion -- is that you just don't know where Stranger X has been. "Get that out of your mouth!" my mom used to say, "You don't know where thats been!" And its true! You don't!

I have a feeling that my bio wouldn't be too interesting.

Name: geek_boi
Age: 22
geek_boi divides his time between going to school and working part time. He scrounges for every penny and often worries where the money to pay his next set of bills is going to come from. He's shy, introspective and tries to avoid crowds. He drinks a beer or Rum&Coke every now and then. His primary addiction is Pepsi. He's a selfish bastard but in denial about it.

I've consistently found that my best antidote to random sex is to realize that the guy I'm with is named "Tim" or whatever, but could be named "Tweeka" on the weekends, if you get my drift. I still get The Urge often, and there are many hot men to be had, but now I'm a little wiser about the risks of being with someone you don't know from Adam and Steve.

Another helpful tip from the website: After purchasing the services of a male escort online, make sure that he doesn't tie you up bondage-style: he might beat you up and steal your computer while you're tied up like a Christmas ham.

My Sexy City isn't for everyone -- certainly not kids. I was surprised at how graphic the (animated) sex scenes were. A part of me was embarrassed at first to see naked cartoons, but then I realized: "Hey, I've seen man-parts before. What am I getting in a huff about? And it's not like I've never done this or anything." True, although I do wonder what is going to happen when the Religious Right inevitably discovers MSC. "Gay cartoons! Having sex and doing drugs! It's worse than spongebob!"

Speaking of drugs, the only really questionable thing I noticed on the website was the lack of information about how destructive drugs really are. Of course, the whole "Don't share needles, don't mix drugs, drink water with E" info is already there -- but what about some info on how Crystal Meth is going to completely fuck you up? How about encouraging people to find a designated driver? How about telling people that Cigarettes are bad for you in the long run?

Maybe I'm asking too much.

Anyway, enjoy the new little website. Everybody make good choices!

still alive

2006-02-26T03:59:00.000-08:00

It's a slow weekend, most of my friends (online and off) are out of town. I'm sitting here, starting to nurse a cold.

So how are the Olympics going? I can't be bothered to watch, as I don't care for sports that much.

brokeblock mountain

2006-02-23T15:56:00.000-08:00

As Dave Barry would say, I am not making this up.

everybody else is doing it!

2006-02-22T07:57:00.000-08:00

A google image search for "Muscular Christianity":

Nice shirt, bro:

Just plain NICE:

I think the glasses do it for me. It's even a funnier picture when you realize that nothing is keeping him from wearing a shirt while rock-climbing -- which means he's just going topless to improve the scenery. Not that I'm opposed, of course.

an abomination like me

2006-02-22T03:24:00.000-08:00

This was supposed to be a post about science and religion, but it was going nowhere so I decided to switch gears a little.

I've been thinking about Church again. It must be these circles that I'm running in, because I can't get away from those Ivory Steeples. Sometimes I wonder if my longing for a community of faith is a kind of mental illness -- like when dogs compulsively bite their own tails.

Today I noticed that I'm starting to get Debate Fatigue regarding my existence. I imagine that Chris and others probably felt the first onset of "DF" several years ago. How they continue on is anyone's guess.

I guess it happened while I was on the Thinking Anglicans website, reading some of the user comments. I don't know what to say.....I just sort of, well, lost it.

There once was a time when I could have deftly entered a debate and stood my ground with panache', wisdom and so forth, but I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't. Here I am, reading these comments of people -- talking about me -- saying that I'm a sinner, an abomination, a invitation of God's curse, disordered, mistaken, wrong, bad or, perhaps to coin a new term: ill-created.

God created me wrong, so now I get to suffer and be contrite about it. I logged on to my email account and went over some old posts that other's had written long ago when I belonged to a Christian email group. Members of my old Church would often post their opinions on current events. I did a search for "Abomination" just out of a sense of masochism more than anything.

I need to learn to stop hurting myself like that. Here are people -- good people, by all accounts -- who really believe that there's something terribly wrong with me, who will go so far as to leave the church because of me.

I recall an experience, not too long ago, when I sat in on one of our Men's Prayer meetings. Our church organized different prayer groups along gender lines (more of a marketing gimmick than misogyny, I believe) so naturally I attended the Men's group often. Anyone who believes that straight men don't gossip is wearing some very rose-colored glasses. My pastor at the time was on the Board of Ministry for the larger denomination, so gossip about upcoming resolutions at the annual Congress was prolific. One year, a small group of pastors from the liberal Northwest tried to float a proposal that would change the church's teaching that "homosexual behavior defies God's natural created order...blah blah blah". You get the idea.

One of my friends present that day -- a local farmer in his early 50's whom I still consider to be my friend -- told my pastor, in front of myself and the entire group, that he and his family just couldn't stay in a Church that "did that sort of thing", meaning accepting the kid sitting directly to his left. He didn't know about me, of course. He didn't know My Terrible Secret, and still doesn't. I'm sure if I told him, he'd give me a concerned look and ask me if I've ever heard of Exodus International and maybe give me a pamphlet or two. I probably wouldn't be invited to the Men's prayer group anymore, either. They wouldn't turn me away, of course, they'd just stop asking me to come. It's a bit like being stabbed with a dull knife. Stabbed with a smile and a prayer.

I used to volunteer for the Youth Group at my church, too. I had a great time and remember all the times we had together fondly. We changed a lot of lives for the better, and gave a lot of kids hope in hopeless situations. I already know that I wouldn't be invited back, of course. Even if I started going to Church every Sunday again, even if I reaffirmed my baptismal vows, even if I stood on one foot and recited John 3:16 five-hundred times in a row -- I could never work with Youth again because, well, haven't you heard? He's one of them!

I want nothing more than to escape, to fly away from Church, religion, rules, laws, everything. In a way, I have sort of been doing that for almost a year now. Sleeping in on Sunday instead of making the pilgrimage. Yet, once again, the Siren calls me to be dashed on the rocks...

Helpful and supportive Christians have encouraged me to find an affirming Church home, maybe a friendly Episcopal Church or United Methodist. On the surface, it sounds like a great idea. The more I think about it, though, the more I wonder: can I really escape the stares, the whispered conversations, the hostile blog posts? What about at the denominational level? Frankly, (and I say this with love) joining an Episcopal Church to find acceptance sounds a bit like heading to the Front Lines to find peace. Same thing with the UM Church, although to a much lesser extent.

There is a war going on in Church -- and in our society at large -- a war to determine whether or not I'm a full human being or a deformed, disordered, ill-created pseudo-human who can only hope to "pass" as a normal person one day. The war is being waged just about everywhere and, most painfully, in my own head.

The truth is, folks, I can't take being an abomination anymore. I can't take people talking about me and my life without even knowing me or my spiritual walk. I just can't do it anymore. I'm done being a bargaining chip, I'm done being an object that needs fixing, I'm done being hurt.

This Sunday morning I'm going on a walk. In a park, with my nice red sweatshirt and maybe I'll put a leash on Frankie and bring him along too. The squirrels and bluebirds at the park don't mind the fact that I'm different, and the pigeons like crumbs from my hand, no matter who I happen to be. Thats more than I can say for millions of Christians, ironically.

And so my sabbatical from Christianity continues into it's second year...

my world (again)

2006-02-21T17:58:00.000-08:00

Some more pictures from the My World project:

First, another pic of Dad and Frankie. (I'll let you guess which one is my dad!)

The Back '40. It's been almost four years and we still haven't put grass in. It's an eyesore, but when you don't have money for grass, you don't have the money.

The view from my window. My rear window. Look! There goes Jimmy Stewart to save Grace Kelly!

Cat on a hot tin Honda:

Finally, my sister in Shadow:

Today I finally got my copy of "The Battle For God" by Karen Armstrong. It's been on transfer from the local library for a couple weeks now. I look forward to her take on fundamentalism -- as a former (recovering?) fundamentalist myself, it should be a healing experience.

hotel rwanda

2006-02-20T00:18:00.000-08:00

It seems that I'm on something of a movie-kick lately. I've watched more movies in the past few days than during the last six weeks or so. I guess having the folks out of town and unlimited control of the TV will do that to you.

I sat down to a whole viewing of Hotel Rwanda. Powerful, gutwrenching and based on a real story. The story becomes immense in it's tragedy when you realize that almost a million people died -- and that it could have been conceivably stopped with a ground force of 5,000 soldiers or so.

Why was nothing done? The main reason, I suppose, is that no Western government at that time had the political capital to risk the lives of 5,000 soldiers to save a bunch of nameless, faceless Africans. Where is the political will to fight genocide? It doesn't exist unless were the ones being killed. Or, as a reporter in the movie who's just filmed scenes of genocide, says to the main character, Paul, who believes that the video broadcast will change people's minds in America:

"I think if people see this footage, they'll say Oh, my God, that's horrible. And then they'll go on eating their dinners."

They'll go on eating their dinners. And we do, don't we?

I wonder, though. When the scourge of hatred comes to this land -- again -- who is going to save "us"? I say "us" because no matter who "we" are (gay, straight, white, black, Catholic, Muslim, Lutheran, Liberal, Conservative) -- whoever "we" are, "we" are already someone's own private "Tutsi".

God save us from human hatred.

the celluloid closet

2006-02-19T01:28:00.000-08:00

I just got done watching a late-night airing of The Celluloid Closet on the LOGO network. What a great documentary! Perfect for watching in groups, if only for the inevitable laughs that occur when Lily Tomlin (the narrator) introduces a swishy character from some 1950's drama.

I honestly feel like I've completed a college-level course in GLBT Film by watching this documentary. It's that in depth -- and that good.

Synopsis in a nutshell: Early Hollywood (1920-1940) films were limited in gay characters -- almost universally portrayed as "sissies" who were non-threatening and non-sexual. Their purpose was to serve as a foil for the Manly Men or Good Women who were sexually "normal". The "sissies" made everybody else look good -- and did double duty as comic relief too, sort of like a gay version of blackface.

In Mid-Century Hollywood (1940-1969ish) some characters were allowed to be gay, as long as they were unambiguously villainous, outrageously stereotypical (and therefore harmless) or met terrible ends (murdered, suicide, loneliness) before the movie was over. Think Advise & Consent or The Detective. Part of the fun of these films is seeing what passed for "gay" in some of these movies. You can only "take" so many thin men with blonde hair and a swishy walk, wearing lavender suits and orchids in their vests before you just bust out in laughter. (Not that those men don't exist, or that they're wrong to be that way -- it's just when you see it portrayed as "The Norm" over and over and over again....)

That's how I experienced it, anyway. I understand how many might be offended, but all I can do is laugh. Maybe it's because I wasn't raised in the same era as this stilted crazyness.

Finally, we get to Modern-Era Hollywood (1970-present). Things haven't been perfect, of course, but they do get better -- pushing the bouandries with flicks like Making Love and Longtime Companion (a movie that Damien reviewed here). Not to mention the recent spurt of movies like Latter Days and Brokeback Mountain -- although the documentary was filmed before those flicks were even a twinkle in somebody's eye.

Again, it was a great movie about movies. It'd be perfect to watch with a group of friends, as some of the clips are just so silly as to provoke group laughter. Now that I'm armed with all of this information, I guess I'll actually have to bite the bullet and watch some of these movies -- because, as far as I can remember, I haven't seen any of them. Pretty lame, eh?

So where should I start?

shit

2006-02-18T16:24:00.000-08:00

Well it looks like Blue, my sister's overly massive dog, has gone and eaten my cellphone. I am NOT happy about that.

Thankfully, I had insurance, but I think there is a $200 deductable or something, which pretty much negates what little coverage I had. Man, this is NOT what I needed.

Ah well, at least dogs can't eat email accounts.

loving your neighbor without a gun to your head

2006-02-18T08:57:00.000-08:00

From Christianity Today:

Carlton Pearson, a high-profile pastor who lost 90 percent of his church's 5,000 members after publicly teaching that everyone will eventually be saved, held the final service in his church building on New Year's Eve.

With its property lost in foreclosure and sold to an investment company, Higher Dimensions Family Church now meets as New Dimensions Worship Center on Sunday afternoons at an Episcopal church.

Higher Dimensions, founded by Pearson in 1981, was one of Tulsa, Oklahoma's largest and most prosperous churches. Its high-energy, sharply dressed pastor appeared regularly on the Trinity Broadcasting Network and at national conferences, wrote several books, and hosted an annual Azusa Street conference that drew national figures such as T. D. Jakes.

[...]

Higher Dimensions' slide began about four years ago when Pearson began preaching a form of universalism that alienated his Pentecostal/evangelical followers. His "gospel of inclusion"that Christ died for the sins of the world, and therefore the whole world will be saved denied the classic Christian belief that salvation involves turning from sin and accepting God's forgiveness through faith in Jesus.

His alma mater, Oral Roberts University, banned his church buses from the campus. National church leaders and publications condemned him. His own denomination, the Church of God in Christ, the nation's largest Pentecostal group, Pearson said, denounced "my doctrine, but not me." Still, Pearson said, "[I am] as confident and resolute as I've ever been."

There's so much that I can say about this -- so much that an avid observer of American religion could take from such an event. Here's the story in plain English: Pastor denies Hell, 90% of his flock leave the church or stop sending money.

90%

I understand that fear is a powerful motivation -- as a lapsed Evangelical I understand all too well that the Unconditional Love of Jesus is always implicitly, almost silently, supported by the threat of eternal torture and pain. Of course, they have all sorts of nice, Biblical weasel-words to soften the impact. Talk of "God's Absolute Holiness" and "God's Infallible Justice" will fill the ears of parishoners to try and distract them from the soul-killing horror of what they're being asked to believe.

And for good reason, too! Apparently 90% of the people in some churches can't stand the thought of living without Hell. What is the point, after all, of getting up early on Sunday morning and sending off 10% of your income if you're not going to be eternally tortured if you don't?

As an aside, an Evangelical apologist might say, at this point, that going to church on Sunday morning and tithing don't keep someone out of hell -- only a "personal relationship with Jesus Christ" can do that. I've sat through enough solidly Evangelical sermons (and conversations over coffee) on church-attendance and tithing to know that it's supposedly very, very difficult to have a "personal relationship with Jesus" without Sunday-morning "fellowship" and proper financial "stewardship". "By your fruits ye shall know them..." they like to say. It's basically a way of enforcing the dreaded (and very effective) "Papist" doctrine of "works-based salvation" without officially doing so.

So can Christianity survive without Hell? I think it can. I've seen it happen. I just think that 90% of Christianity probably can't survive without it. After all, no point in loving our neighbors unless were going to get something out of it, or unless were going to be punished if we don't. No other reason to do anything, really.

Unless, of course, you feel that Love is it's own reward -- but that point of view is rare these days, isnt it?

hey kids....

2006-02-17T18:30:00.000-08:00

...don't do meth. Seriously.

Can somebody tell me what is up with those scars/sores on their faces? Is that from the meth use or just getting your equipment blown up in your face (as so often happens)? The premature aging and tooth loss is also shocking...

The only person I've ever know who used meth was one of my uncles. The last I heard he had "beaten it" without going to rehab, although the permanence of that kind of "recovery" is questionable, I think. I remember not too long ago when he called us up at home, telling us that the CIA had bugged his cell phone and was trying to kill him. He's a bit better now (less psychotic, anyway), but only because he's been off it.

Again, don't do meth. Ever.

friday dog blogging

2006-02-17T16:39:00.000-08:00

Now that most of my family is away for the weekend (enjoying a drizzly day at Disneyland -- glad that I didn't go now, actually) I get to partake in the ignoble task of dogsitting.

Not only do my parents have a bitter little Chihuahua named Frankie (who is, thankfully, self-sufficient for the most part) but my sister keeps a huge behemoth of a Siberian Husky named Blue Bear (or just "Blue") and a brand new puppy named Sadie.

This is Blue, just for the record:

Weighing in at around 100 pounds and with inch-long incisor teeth, Blue is quite a handful. Thankfully, Blue and the new puppy live at my sister's condo across town, which means I only have to deal with them for an hour or so every day.

I just got back from my sister's condo, and I seriously wonder how she and her husband keep their sanity with these two dogs in the house. Blue, for example, has Canine ADD -- which makes him EXTREMELY ANNOYING because he finds everything about you to be the most interesting thing in the world. And Sadie, being a young and very precocious pup, is always getting into trouble. Not to mention the fact that she isn't potty trained yet.

Sometimes I wonder if people like my sister use dogs as a means of fulfilling motherhood fantasies without actually going through the Trials and Tribulations of actual parenting. Perhaps she unconsciously sees her dogs as a kind of "Kids Lite" who are "human" enough to shower her affection on while simultaneously being hardy enough to leave behind on vacation? Perhaps I shouldn't have taken that Freshman Psychology course? Perhaps rhetorical questions are mostly stupid?

Anyway, I smell like dog crap and kibble. And I have homework to do later on.

Everybody else have a good weekend!

weekend plans

2006-02-16T17:41:00.000-08:00

I guess I won't be going to LA and Disneyland this weekend after all. Something about there being not enough room at the inn or something. Of course, I offered to sleep in the manger, but then I was arrested by the Metaphor Police.

So this weekend will include lots of hanging around the house, lots of cleaning my room and lots of homework. Truly a weekend to remember.

I bet all my boredom would be solved if I could just visit the Circus World Museum in the Wisconsin Dells. Truly a monument for the ages.

everybody else is doing it

2006-02-16T17:35:00.000-08:00

Describes me pretty well, actually.

better now

2006-02-15T16:16:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the silence over the past few days. I had something of a health-scare, but all is well now.

Right now I'm sitting in the computer lab at school, thinking about homework and work-work this weekend -- hoping that I'll have enough time off to visit my family in LA and maybe clock in a few hours at Disneyland. I'll be nice to take a little mini-vacation before spring break is upon us.

A warm welcome to MusicGuy -- I've added a link to his "Raging Rainbows" website on the right.

I have a few other things I'd like to say at the moment, but it's time for photography class and I need to get going. Stay safe, everyone!

i think i saw Ken at Hydrate last Sunday

2006-02-13T03:19:00.000-08:00

So Mattel is celebrating the launch of their new Ken Doll. "Beach Fun Ken":

Hmmmm......I guess that bottle is supposed to be tanning oil. Right?

This isn't the first time that Ken has raised a few eyebrows. Well, when doesn't Ken raise eyebrows?

Remember back in 1993 when they came out with "Earring Magic Ken"?

Yeah, that Ken. With the mesh shirt. And the.....uh.....ring of some sort -- whos purpose I cannot possibly guess? (It wouldnt be as funny if the ring was slightly larger or slightly smaller, but as it stands, it's just the right size for hilarity.)

So are the people at Mattel just having fun with us or are they completely clueless?

mega ouch

2006-02-10T23:23:00.000-08:00

So today I discover that my bank has charged me over $200 in overdraft fees.

Granted, I was overdrawn, so I suppose they're within their full legal rights to do so -- but still, you think that they could notify me by phone or email once I make my FIRST overdraw, and not when I make my TENTH. If I could somehow get the CEO of my bank on the phone, I'd tell him that "If I knew I was overdrawn two weeks ago, for example, I would have stopped BOUNCING THOSE FUCKING CHECKS, YOU RICH FUCKING BASTARDS!"

Now any money that gets deposited in my account (read: paychecks) are going to go directly to pay the fees and are untouchable by me.

Man, I thought things were bad the past couple weeks. They just went from bad to poverty-stricken. Way to go, GB.

bigotry for dummies

2006-02-10T04:49:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking lately about the topic of homophobia (isn't it always in the back of our minds?) and how the phobia takes hold. For those of you who don't know, I actually used to be quite a bigot.

I'm not sure how many of you have delt with this yourselves, but my bigotry was once very pronounced. It's difficult for me to talk about, but there was once a time in my life when I held homicidal thoughts towards gay people, specifically gay men.

I remember being in High School and secretly watching the annual Pride parades on TV while being simultaneously fascinated, envious, terrified and hateful. It's hard to describe wanting to kill someone because they represent something about yourself that you hate -- it's wanting to kill someone but really wanting to kill yourself. Lashing out at other gay men was a way for me to somehow "purge" myself of desires that I wanted to kick.

Now, before I go any father, let me say that I can't speak for any former "anti-gay"” person but myself. So naturally I'm not accusing all anti-gay activists of being closeted self-hating queers, even though thats exactly what I was.

Being a homo-hating bigot is the easiest thing in the world, although it does help to have uncontrollable, shameful yet extremely pleasurable gay desires as well. Eventually this connection between pleasure and shame (or the disconnect between pleasure and "normality", for lack of a better word) will warp a healthy young man into a demented, hateful fanatic.

And that demented, hateful fanatic is exactly who I was from about age 14 to 20 or so. That was me -- and today I'm going to share some of the trade secrets of bigotry with you, in the sincere hopes that you'll spot these littlmaneuversrs out there in the blogosphere and be better prepared.

Lets see, where to begin? So many things I could start with.....

Ah, here's a good one:

1) RUMORS -- Gossip has been strongly looked down upon in the Christian Church for many centuries, but don't let that stop you! There are so many good rumors floating around anti-gay circles about the real or imagined sexual activities of gay folk -- I remember gobbling them all up with wild abandon. Of course, most of them have little to no basis in reality ("little" meaning you can almost always find someone "into" something weird), but the examples given are trumpeted as normal, everyday sexual practices of gay people. Examples? I remember "The Gay Celebrity with Gerbil in his anus" quite well. The first time I ever saw it, it was on a Catholic anti-gay website -- describing a "famous news-reporter" who had been hospitalized with a dead hampster in his butt. No reference was given for the report: readers were expected to take the story on face value, since, after all,you just know thats the kind of thing that gets those perverts off. Besides, it's a good Catholic website and they wouldn't present rumors as being the truth, now would they? And who can forget "Gay rock-star has 1 gallon of semen pumped from his stomach". Again, nreferencece given, no evidence cited -- just the assertion that this kind obizarrere happening is par for the course in gay life. We're expected to take it at face value, which brings me to point two:

2) BLIND FAITH -- As a recovering gay-basher, I'm of the opinion that most of my former fellow-travelers don'perceiveve themselves and swallowing half-truths, rumors and sometimes blatant lies. They really do, for the most part, believe what they're told about gay folk is true. Why? Human psychology and group dynamics. For a good read on the power of authority, pick up a copy of Milgram's experiments. The US Dept. of Defense uses similar techniques to wage psychological warfare against enemy populations: People will believe something if it comes in an "authoritative package". Present something authoritatively, finally, as truth and it will be so. Present something that people want to hear authoritatively, and they'll believe it with double the fervent abandon. So when someone's pastor (or televangelist, or religious book, tract, article or website) tells someone thatrts, say, "most" gay people engage in an activity like watersports (don't google that word if you don't already know it), they have no reason to believe otherwise. After all, he's a pastor. Surely he's going to tell the truth. Surely he's going to research his sources and check for shoddy or non-existant methodology. Surely the dear Rev. Goodman isn't just going to repeat something he read on some random website with the sole purpose of shocking his parishioners into hating gay people? Surely not, I'm afraid, which leads me to point three:

3) SELECTIVE REALITY -- Get and use the facts that support your cause, ignore, marginalize or attack the facts that don't. Example: Paul Cameron.

This is a pic of Paul Cameron, just for the record.

>He's always doing some shoddy "study" that always magically proves the same thing: that gay folk are terrible, horrible, evil deviants who molest children, spread diseases and commit acts of violence much more than presumably less deviant heterosexuals. Never mind the fact that his "studies" have been widely debunked as bordering on scientific fraud and that Cameron himself was kicked out of the APA for ethical violations, and was later censured by the ASA for falsely claiming to be a "sociologist", or that Cameron's "Family Research Institute" has actually been labeled a hate-group by the SPLC. If anybody brings these points up during a debate, just tell them -- with a swishy wave of you hand, of course -- that the APA and ASA have been "infiltrated" by the "homosexual agenda", and that the SPLC is nothing but a "leftist money machine". Thats it! Just level the right accusations at the right people and you won't even need to bother defending any of Cameron's arguments. They're true on their face, after all, because we already know what is true. Which brings me to point four:

4) BROAD BRUSHES -- every group has it's stupid people. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. Gay folk are no exception. I can't even begin to remember how many times the "homosexual agenda" was "exposed" by printing quotes from some gay person who said something stupid. Here's a good example: Joe and Jane Evangelical read a quote that goes something like this:

"The ultimate goal of sexual liberation is the abolition of age-consent laws. Only when those laws are removed can we be sexually free." -- John Q. Gay, well-known Homosexual Activist

Or maybe something like this:

"I hate Christians and I think Jesus was gay. I bet he had sex with Peter and John all the time." - Richard Q. Gay, well-known Gay radio-host

Here's where the trick comes in: almost anybody in the world can be a "well-known homosexual activist" if you want them to be. It doesn't matter if John Q. Gay is an unknown male escort from Hayward who's claim to activism is occasionally marching with ACT-UP/SF, or that Richard Q. Gay was a "well-known radio host" only on the local 5,000 watt public access radio -- no, as long as they say something stupid and repulsive, their point of view is going to be portrayed as the norm among gay folk -- or perhaps a rare glimpse into what us gay folk are "really" thinking.

All this and more is really just a sample of the sorts of mental gymnastics that I performed and that others perform to this day. Keep an eye out for some of these tricks as you peruse the internet and news media in the coming weeks and months. Things are only going to heat up once the election gets close, and these arguments are going to be just so much kindling for the fire.

Personally, I'm glad that I've changed. If I still believed half the stuff that I used to, I think I'd be a mean little guy, and not the laughably neurotic geek_boi that I am today. Thank God for second chances.

the "your world" project

2006-02-09T00:09:00.000-08:00

As some of you may already know, I'm currently enrolled in a Photography class for spring semester. So far it's been great fun, and today I got my very first prints back. The project I'm working on is entitled "Your World" -- I'm basically supposed to photograph everyday people, places and things in my life as a record of, well, my world.

I now present to you all, for your enjoyment, my world.

First, stately Geek_boi manor:

Next, superbowl cake:

Mom and my little sister hard at work in the kitchen:

Funny story about that picture: It's actually nobody's birthday. That sign has been up there for almost six months -- since our last birthday. I have a feeling that they're saving it until mine rolls around this May.

Delicious chicken pot pie in the oven:

Dad:

You can see where I get the "Bear" look from, can't you?

Dad and our Chihuahua, "Frankie":

My little brother looking out into our backyard:

One of the four(!) feral cats who live in our garage:

And finally, a stack of books in my room:

not too shabby

2006-02-08T15:41:00.000-08:00

I got the results of my first history test today: 27 points out of 25.

Not too bad. Hopefully I can keep this up for the next 14 weeks or so....

writer's block

2006-02-07T23:44:00.000-08:00

I've got it.

Bad.

Although you probably can't tell from reading my blog, I've been in something of a "dry spell" viz-a-vis writing for several years. Come to think of it, I haven't actually read a full-length novel in several years, either. This troubles me, as there was once a point in my life (say mid-high school or so) when I was reading about one novel every week.

I can't figure out what my problem is for the life of me. I'm not sure if this makes any sense, but it sometimes feels as if I've been drained of my writing ability -- or rather that I don't have the mental strength to read or write. In fact, just the other day I was looking at an unfinished copy of Tolkien's Lord of the Rings (I'm about half way through, but stopped reading it about 3 years ago), and I thought to myself "I should finish reading this, but I don't have the strength. I just don't have the strength to put myself into another world with it's own special set of problems, issues and characters." I feel the same way about the Bible sometimes.

Does that make any sense?

I've read non-fiction, of course. Written alot of it too (again, check out my blog!). But fiction is my forte' (specifically "science fiction" and "science fantasy") -- and I want to go back. I want to be Geek Q. Boi, Esq., Writer again.

It's going to take some time, though. Today I read a two-page sample of a story that I had done almost a year ago to the day. Crap. Total crap. I'll post it here if anyone requests, but it's crap. I can point out all of my flaws too: the narrator asks too many rhetorical questions. How many rhetorical questions can a good story have? Can it have too many? Does anyone care? You get the idea. The characterizations are sophomoric -- my characters sounded like they were dreamt up by a 10-year old. Not to mention that my characters all speak in Flowery-Talk:

“Little good can come from this sort of thing,” Yardil stammered under his breath, “and since when did I start doing this sort of thing anyway?” Ever since Wotan had bid him to come – he reminded himself – and it was only for the sake of Wotan's friendship that he really came anyway."

Who the hell talks like that, anyway? Oh, I guess I do. But I can't be inserting myself into my own stories. Also, I used "anyway" two times in the same paragraph. Not good.

Well, at least I have an idea of how I can make things better next time around. The hard part is actually sitting down and making it happen. I talked to Damien yesterday and he suggested writing classes. Short of that, any suggestions on something to write about?

be it resolved:

2006-02-07T02:54:00.000-08:00

that I should start to regularly watch this show again:

I used to watch it all the time as a kid, and *loved* it. The Girls were just so risque', especially Blanche, that red-headed Southern jezebel! And the one-liners! Bea Arthur always had the perfect don't-mess-with-me stare to accompany her sassy humor. Honestly, I would get a "What Would Bea Arthur Do?" T-shirt in a New York Minute.

And by saying so, I officially become the gayest man in the world.

have you seen this?

2006-02-06T22:49:00.000-08:00

Entitled "Afterlife", it's one of Jonathan Clark's internet creations. Soothing, mysterious, unsettling -- yet perhaps comforting.

Check it out. Preferably with the lights down low.

I demand a recount!

2006-02-05T22:02:00.000-08:00

Were gonna take this all the way to the Supreme Court. Note that from now on new appointees to the Court will be grilled on their favorite teams. Are you now or have you ever been a Seahawks fan? ANSWER THE QUESTION, COUNSELOR!!!!

Please note that I was rooting for the Seahawks. If only because I briefly met Mike Holmgren in person one time -- long story, that one.

Tragedy

2006-02-04T16:53:00.000-08:00

The gay-bar attack story has ended in tragedy.

All we can do at this point is mourn.

revenge of the memes

2006-02-04T01:25:00.000-08:00

Here goes nothing!

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.
1) Jeni
2) Anastasia
3) LutherPunk
4) *Christopher
5) geek_boi - uncensored

Next select five people to tag
1) Nate
2) Tom
3) Jon
4) Brian (all of them!)
5) Beartoast Joe

What were you doing 10 years ago?
When I was twelve? Gosh, probably watching Star Trek: TNG and reading lots of Issac Asimov. Issac Asimov has aged better, I think.

What were you doing 1 year ago?
Being poor and jobless while failing school. Not the best time in my life.

Five snacks you enjoy:
A. Spaghetti-O's
B. Vanilla Milkshakes
C. Peanut Butter
D. Buttery popcorn
E. Chocolate

Five songs you know all the words to:
A. “If you want a view of paradise” from Willy Wonka
B. “It's raining men” -- stereotypical, but I know all the words for some reason.
C. “One night in Bangkok” -- don't ask.
D. Just about anything by U2
E. Most anything by Dido

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
A. set my parents up for their retirement, do the same for me
B. donate money to good causes
(all right, now I get selfish)
C. personal trainer
D. personal chef to undo the work of my personal trainer
E. maybe a him-bo or two. ;-)

Five bad habits:
A. procrastinating
B. having a messy room
C. hating myself
D. worrying
E. WORRYING

Five things you enjoy doing:
A. reading
B. writing
C. being with friends
D. eating out
E. going places

Five things you would never wear again:
A. Flannel of any kind -- my parents used to buy me nothing but flannel.
B. male bikini underwear -- it was an experiment. don't ask.
C. baggy pants
D. baggy shirts
E. my mo'fro

Five favorite toys:
A. my computer
B. my camera
C. collection of old cartoons
D. books (books are toys!)
E. Top Secret

omg teh devil! =^.^=

2006-02-03T16:57:00.000-08:00

Here's GB's outrage of the day:

Parents of elementary school students in eastern Colorado are deeply offended that their kids caught a glimpse of Faust. Why? Because it "glorifies satan".

Now, anybody who knows anything about literature knows that Faust is not exactly a glorification of demonic powers. Funny thing is, it's actually the opposite. Even the word "Faustian" has gone down in the Western tradition as a warning to those who believe they can make deals with evil forces.

Try explaining that to Joe and Jane Evangelical.

Do you think I'm painting with too broad a brush? I remember not-so-fondly when I was in elementary school and brought home The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe for the first time. I was enthralled by the, well, cool fantasy world that CS Lewis had created. The epic battles and fantastic creatures and all that.

Mom was less than thrilled. She took one look at the word "Witch" in the title and almost sent the book back the next day. I tried my best to explain to mom, in my own childish way, that Lewis was a Christian "like us".

"Well what kind of a Christian writes stories about witches and magic?" mom shot back.

I was speechless at the time, as those kinds of arguments seem air-tight when you're 10.

Incidentally, my mom has had an equal amount of trouble accepting JRR Tolkien as a Christian (not just because he belonged to the Whore of Babylon, of course) but because his stories were likewise "magical" -- something that "real Christians" just don't write about. It's a disturbing pattern that I've noticed again and again: works of art and literature are considered "irredeemable" unless they are BLATANTLY and UNMISTAKABLY Evangelical-Protestant World-View safe.

Of course, it's not just my Evangelical kin-folk who are deathly afraid of Incorrect Thoughts. You can find similar people in just about every religion. The question is why. I recently remarked on Damien's blog that there was once a time when I would have burnt a book that I'm currently reading, but now I would never do such a thing -- to any book. What has changed between now and then, and how can I make the rest of the world change the same way?

so I ask myself:

2006-02-02T15:05:00.000-08:00

why do these sorts of things happen?

The answer, I think, is that they'll continue to happen as long as our society makes people crazy enough to do it. It wouldn't surprise me if the kid in question has gay feelings, or gay thoughts, or suspects that he's gay. Years and years of demonization can make people snap, make people go nuts.

Homophobia hurts everybody, folks.

STOP.

2006-02-01T13:20:00.000-08:00

WESTERN UNION STOPS TELEGRAM SERVICE STOP
YOUNG GEEKS EVERYWHERE REMEMBER HOW TELEGRAMS
ARE NOTHING BUT PROPS FROM OLD MOVIES STOP
THIS GEEK WISHES HE COULD HAVE SENT A TELEGRAM
AT SOME POINT STOP
SOUNDED KINDA FUN IF ONLY FOR THE NOVELTY STOP
OH WELL LIFE GOES ON UNTIL YOU
STOP

fun with bollywood

2006-02-01T00:35:00.000-08:00

This is pretty cool: you take short clips from old indian movies and apply your own subtitles -- with obviously hilarious results.

Here's my little contribution -- entitled: "Who does your hair, anyway?"

By all means, make your own. I'd love to start a meme for once...

support our ribbons!

2006-01-31T19:44:00.000-08:00

Make your own patriotic car ribbons here. Hours and hours of silliness.

Here are some of my little gems:

Enjoy!