Thursday, January 19, 2006

the horror.....the horror....

Well, this is a general "coming out" post. You're all going to get a chance to see the man behind the GB moniker, and I warn you: he's not pretty.

I'm not to worried about posting my pic here, as you can't really search for pics, and as long as my "real name" stays out of these pages, nobody need know who I really am. Of course, on the odd chance that somebody from my private life should find this webpage...well, they'll know that I'm gay. Among other things, I guess. *shrug*

Still I am a bit nervous. So far I've only come out to people who I already knew would be supportive -- people who I already knew wouldn't have a problem. Now, I'm putting myself out there in a lot of ways. I'm sort of declaring -- even with just my photo -- that this is who I really am. It's not a fun decision, by any means. But if I'm going to be myself, I'm going to eventually get flak from people who don't like me. It's a hard thing to realize, really.

There's a part of me saying "Don't post your pic, don't cross the Rubicon. You're largely anonmyous -- you can always try to be straight later on if the pressure gets too much. Nobody needs to know that you're gay, nobody needs to know anything about you! Hell, you're not cute enough to be gay...etc,etc..."

That part of me is very loud right now, but I'm tuning it out. I'm prepared to do what it takes to be myself, to grow into my personhood -- even if it means showing a side of myself that I'd rather people not see.

This is also difficult for me as I have body image issues like you wouldn't believe. I can't help but stare at my picture and just see nothing but ugliness......


Are you ready?

really ready?

Be warned.

It's bad.

here goes:

This picture was taken today, so the frazzled look in my eyes can be explained by my family turmoil. Yes, I really do feel as exhausted as I look.

One thing that people often tell me when they see me for the first time is that I tend to look older than I really am. Believe it, folks: I'm really 22. And check out that receding hairline....yup, I've been loosing my hair since I was 16.

If you look carefully, you'll see that I'm wearing the same AE shirt that I told you about in this post.

So, in conclusion: Thats me, in all my imperfection. Just in case you wanted to know.


At 1/20/2006 12:11 AM, Blogger Brian said...

Are you ready?

... really ready?



At 1/20/2006 8:59 AM, Blogger Michael said...

Double hugs. Thanks for a face to put to the posts.

yafay -- name of the beloved, as in, "The first time ever I saw Yafay..."

At 1/20/2006 9:17 AM, Blogger walking, not falling said...

hmm. i'd put a current pic of me up but i can be "dooced" or fired for having a blog at my job. anyway, remember that folks always see the negative when assessing their own images.....each of us is guilty of it. you look like standard american male and that's not a bad thing in my book ;)

At 1/20/2006 3:45 PM, Blogger geek_boi said...

Brian, LOL. You made my day. Hugs to you too.

Damien, and double hugs right back at you! Thanks for you advice via email as well.

B., I would hate to work at a job where I wasn't allowed to blog. You a spy or something? And thanks for the encouragement, Standard American Male is a great way to look, IMO.

At 2/19/2006 6:13 PM, Blogger Steve said...

I'm just catching up - or still catching up - but I dunno what you're worried about. You look great to me...

At 2/19/2006 9:17 PM, Blogger Steve said...

...and after I re-read your post, it really got me thinking. Several of your comments sounded like you ripped them right out of my head. This post is the result.

And trust me - I wish I was younger, or you were older...


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